Almost six years ago was the first time I went to New York City. I was 18, a senior in high school, and excited to be with my diocesan youth friends going on a weekend adventure in the Big Apple. We went up Friday night and spent the night in St. John the Divine Cathedral. At the time they were still renovating from the fire they had in 2001, so there was some scaffolding and the organ was missing. Being young and surrounded by friends I didn't pay very much attention to all that was said and done. I remember bits and pieces about my night in the 601 ft. long mammoth Cathedral; it was gorgeous albeit drafty, monstrous in size, and I remember the meditation I had. I remember actually go off on my own in a corner of the drafty dark building with not but a candle and sitting and praying.
Six years later I returned with five middle schoolers from the parish I attend and 40+ other adults and middle schoolers from the diocese of Maryland. I ran into two friends of mine that I had seen since I was in high school, that I met doing diocesan things; and I met some new people. The trip was shorter overall this time due to the age of youth, but the time spent in the Cathedral was the same. There was no scaffolding this time, and the sheer emptiness of this great building was overwhelming once again. Best of all the organ was back.
Not many people know this about me but I have a secret love and passion for organs and organ music. The variation and exuberance that can come from these great instruments is magical for me. The organ at St. John the Divine is by far my favorite. The pipes are beautiful, and installed in such a way that you can hear what's being played from end to end. Sitting in the choir seats below where most of the pipes are housed, you can feel the music being played in the ground beneath your feet. I could have sat and listened to that magnificent instrument all night long. But I digress.
One big thing that didn't change for me was the candlelight meditation before the midnight Eucharist. We all gathered and lit our candles, someone said a prayer and we moved off on our own. I gravitated to the left side of the Cathedral towards the back where there is an alcove dedicated to poetry. I sat on the innermost steps, braced my candle so I wouldn't blow it out and relaxed. Most of the people congregated at the front of the building, so I was mostly on my own.
And there I sat in this building that outsized me in ways you can't fathom, and I listened to the rhythm of my breathing as it slowed; and I had a conversation with God. Not a hey how's it going my family is good sort of conversation, more of a prayerful frustration. As I look to move forward with my journey I find myself distracted by things I wish I didn't have to worry about. Where can I find work? Should I take a job for two months and then leave come March for my fall back position? Should I wait and just continue to collect unemployment? What if I don't get that job that I applied for? What if I can't get the time off that I need to meet with people and move forward in the process? What if I can't get time off to do things with my youth group kids? What will happen to my youth group kids if I go to seminary in the fall? Where should I go to seminary in the fall? Should I wait until next year so I can spend more time with my youth group? Can I find someone to take over for me and keep things running? Is this really what I want to be doing? Wouldn't I be just as content with staying where I am and doing what I'm doing right now? What if I don't get in? What if they don't accept me as a postulant? What if I can't find a position?
So many questions I haven't found the answers to, but continue to look to God to help me stay on the right path. Tears came to my eyes as I sat listening for an answer, and then the music began to play calling everyone to the altar for the Eucharist. And as I walked from the back of the Cathedral to the front behind all those candles I saw a piece of the puzzle fall into place. Right then, at that very moment, I was in a magical place and it was exactly where I felt God wanted me to be. As much as we like to plan for the future and look forward, sometimes I find God reminding me that what's happening right now, at this very moment, is just as important as what will be happening tomorrow or two months from now.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Answers at Last
After months of struggling to understand what lies before me and never receiving a clear answer I woke up this morning a little before 8 am and made my way to Baltimore. Having sent in my application for the Younger Vocations Discernment (YVD) process just under a month ago, there was finally some light leaking into the end of my tunnel. I arrived at the Cathedral of the Incarnation just before 10 am. My destination? A meeting with the Bishop of Maryland and other potential YVD applicants. I was excited and terrified with no idea what to expect. There were seven of us in the conference room awaiting the Bishop's arrival in awkward silence. We numbered three girls and two boys (myself included) waiting with two women seemingly in charge of the process.
He strolled into the conference room and after greetings, led us in prayer. We went around the room and shared our experiences that led us to be sitting in that room. And as I sat listening to the stories, I begin to recognize a pattern of sorts. Disregarding minor details, everything that everyone in that room said sounded almost the same. We all started out looking for one thing and found ourselves being called somewhere else by God-to the Church. It was a revelation for me in a way. I have spent months listening to Priests telling their stories of hearing God's call and feeling a connection to what they were saying, but nothing every really struck me like hearing the experiences coming from my peers. It was a sort of validation that I'm not alone in this process and in these feelings and struggles.
After hearing from us the Bishop took over and talked about what it means to truly be called to Priesthood and leadership in the Church. He spoke about the Parishes of the Episcopal church being a frontline for growing the Episcopal Church as a whole. In addition he discussed the changes he foresees as necessary for Priests. He feels that we must continue moving towards Priests who are both Priests as their vocation and who have a steady job providing an income; much the way it is right now for Deacons.
Then he talked about the call. He said there is one call you hear but you should look at it in four ways.
The way they want it to go is this. We begin by doing two things. First we get people from our parishes to send in letters of recommendation to start building our discernment files. These letters detail our leadership skills, involvement in the church, and give stories and examples to help paint a picture of who we are. Then working with a Rector or Chaplain-as applicable-we form a committee of 6-8 people who's job it is to help us discern if we are ready for seminary in the fall. Four of us will be doing exactly this. The one young lady is a junior at her university and will therefore probably spend more time discerning when she is ready to move forward.
Upon application and acceptance into a seminary, we will spend the first year discerning if we are moving in the right direction and then discerning if we wish to apply for postulancy. This is a big change from the current system-not that the previous information I gave isn't-in that just because we are going to seminary doesn't mean we have a guarantee. We must apply for postulancy and if we are accepted as postulants then we shift from the Master of Theology program to the Master of Divinity Program (if applicable-I say this because it is possible that some seminaries won't accept us into the Master of Divinity Program without us being postulants first but will allow us to enter as Master of Theology students and make the switch once we become postulants.
It is such a major overhaul of the current system, however it really does make sense. They encouraged us to start looking into seminaries, although must of us already had begun to do so. I myself have to find a way to visit the other seminary I am considering Virginia Theological Seminary. But as this post is long enough I will conclude by asking an interesting question the Bishop posed to us. Why are you a Christian?
He strolled into the conference room and after greetings, led us in prayer. We went around the room and shared our experiences that led us to be sitting in that room. And as I sat listening to the stories, I begin to recognize a pattern of sorts. Disregarding minor details, everything that everyone in that room said sounded almost the same. We all started out looking for one thing and found ourselves being called somewhere else by God-to the Church. It was a revelation for me in a way. I have spent months listening to Priests telling their stories of hearing God's call and feeling a connection to what they were saying, but nothing every really struck me like hearing the experiences coming from my peers. It was a sort of validation that I'm not alone in this process and in these feelings and struggles.
After hearing from us the Bishop took over and talked about what it means to truly be called to Priesthood and leadership in the Church. He spoke about the Parishes of the Episcopal church being a frontline for growing the Episcopal Church as a whole. In addition he discussed the changes he foresees as necessary for Priests. He feels that we must continue moving towards Priests who are both Priests as their vocation and who have a steady job providing an income; much the way it is right now for Deacons.
Then he talked about the call. He said there is one call you hear but you should look at it in four ways.
- The Baptismal or General Call
- This call is based on the Baptismal Covenant we recite at Baptisms and is found in the BCP.
- This is something that you can hear over and over but never truly hear until you realize that you are being called to action. Meaning that you come to recognize that through the Baptismal Covenant we are all called to some form of ministry in the Church just not all called to the Priesthood or Diaconate.
- The Inner Call
- This call is the one that you hear calling you to a particular ministry such as Priesthood or Diaconate.
- This call is necessary but no sufficient enough for the person to just go to seminary and become a Priest or Deacon based solely on the Inner Calling.
- The Providential Call
- This is where the gifts and talents come into play.
- Do you have the leadership skills to be a Priest or Deacon? Do you have the people skills, the administrative skills, the love of reading and writing, the ability to articulate yourself, etc?
- The Ecclesiastical Call
- This final call is a form of validation.
- It comes from your peers, an established group such as a parish, and the Bishop.
- All those in support of you lifting you up to move forward and become a Priest or Deacon.
The way they want it to go is this. We begin by doing two things. First we get people from our parishes to send in letters of recommendation to start building our discernment files. These letters detail our leadership skills, involvement in the church, and give stories and examples to help paint a picture of who we are. Then working with a Rector or Chaplain-as applicable-we form a committee of 6-8 people who's job it is to help us discern if we are ready for seminary in the fall. Four of us will be doing exactly this. The one young lady is a junior at her university and will therefore probably spend more time discerning when she is ready to move forward.
Upon application and acceptance into a seminary, we will spend the first year discerning if we are moving in the right direction and then discerning if we wish to apply for postulancy. This is a big change from the current system-not that the previous information I gave isn't-in that just because we are going to seminary doesn't mean we have a guarantee. We must apply for postulancy and if we are accepted as postulants then we shift from the Master of Theology program to the Master of Divinity Program (if applicable-I say this because it is possible that some seminaries won't accept us into the Master of Divinity Program without us being postulants first but will allow us to enter as Master of Theology students and make the switch once we become postulants.
It is such a major overhaul of the current system, however it really does make sense. They encouraged us to start looking into seminaries, although must of us already had begun to do so. I myself have to find a way to visit the other seminary I am considering Virginia Theological Seminary. But as this post is long enough I will conclude by asking an interesting question the Bishop posed to us. Why are you a Christian?
Monday, December 6, 2010
Breakthrough
They say that patience is a virtue. It is one that I have certainly spent many years learning and practicing. Today I finally see the meaning behind the need for patience. Almost 10 months after hearing (and listening to) God's call for me to begin this journey, my patience has yielded fruit.
I received an e-mail this morning informing me that someone had given someone else my name as an interested applicant for the Younger Vocations Discernment Program. She said that if I was still interested all I had to do was fill out the attached application and mail it in.
In that moment of opening the application I could hear God saying to me "See. I told you it was really meant to be. I told you I hadn't left you hanging on a cliff you couldn't climb back up from. I told you your patience would be rewarded." As I read through the application I began to laugh. The sheer joy of finally seeing in words exactly what I was trying to find made me a little giddy!
And then I read the end of the application. It asks that you submit a sort of spiritual autobiography. "The first part should include some history of your spiritual journey-where you went to church, significant experiences of God either in church or out, and ways that you participated in the life of the community as you were learning about God. The second part should talk about where you are right now-where do you worship? What kind of studies/activities are you participating in that nurture your relationship with God? In the final part of the autobiography we would like to hear about where are you going. This section is about articulating a call to next steps for you. It isn’t about a complete outline of what you want to do, more about the way in which you feel God calling you to explore your vocation."
I received an e-mail this morning informing me that someone had given someone else my name as an interested applicant for the Younger Vocations Discernment Program. She said that if I was still interested all I had to do was fill out the attached application and mail it in.
In that moment of opening the application I could hear God saying to me "See. I told you it was really meant to be. I told you I hadn't left you hanging on a cliff you couldn't climb back up from. I told you your patience would be rewarded." As I read through the application I began to laugh. The sheer joy of finally seeing in words exactly what I was trying to find made me a little giddy!
And then I read the end of the application. It asks that you submit a sort of spiritual autobiography. "The first part should include some history of your spiritual journey-where you went to church, significant experiences of God either in church or out, and ways that you participated in the life of the community as you were learning about God. The second part should talk about where you are right now-where do you worship? What kind of studies/activities are you participating in that nurture your relationship with God? In the final part of the autobiography we would like to hear about where are you going. This section is about articulating a call to next steps for you. It isn’t about a complete outline of what you want to do, more about the way in which you feel God calling you to explore your vocation."
And as I read I began to cry. Here it was. My feelings vindicated. It was the last sentence that really spoke to me. It personified for me my entire experience and how I had come to begin this seemingly endless journey. "We often begin to experience a call to vocation when we notice how life giving or enjoyable certain activities are, or when we feel an ache for something more and can’t quite name it."
And on that note I will conclude this post. I have to compile my spiritual autobiography so I can continue moving forward on my journey with God.
Monday, October 18, 2010
A Movie That Promotes an Argument
I watched a fascinating movie last night called “One Night with the King” about a Jewish woman named Hadassah who risks her life to save her people. Don’t know who she is? Well unless you are extremely familiar with and educated about the Bible I don’t suppose you would. I didn’t until I came across the other name she is known by: Esther Queen of Persia.
I think that what I found most fascinating was the fact that while I knew about the story of Queen Esther, I don’t think I’d ever stopped to take the time to understand the story. There are so few stories in the Bible that define women as vessels for God’s work. There are the obvious ones: Eve, Mary, Ruth, Esther, Elisabeth, Sarah, and Mary Magdalene. And then there are the often forgotten or lesser known ones: Rachel, Leah, Martha, Miriam, Naomi, Rebekah, Hagar, and Zipporah to name a few. Some are less known because they don’t have the lead role, others are somewhat forgotten because they are supporting characters or mentioned in passing. Hadassah (Esther) has a big thing going for her though, in that she at least has her own Book in the Bible. Can’t too many people miss that one.
To my point! I find it deeply inspiring that God chose a woman to do his work in Persia. And it wasn’t simply an “I will do as you ask” kind of thing. She had a period of time where, like Jesus, she begged God to find another way to do what needed to be done. To find another vessel that didn’t require her sacrifice. If there was ever any proof in the Bible that women, Christ, and humanity are all connected it would be through Queen Esther. It is yet another example of the fact that God does not expect us to simply stand and say “Yes master, we will do as you command,” but I feel He would rather see us fight a little.
As counter intuitive as fighting with God may seem, I believe it to be a fundamental part of whom and what we are. Human; and God gave us free will. How can he expect us to truly follow Him with all our hearts and all our minds and all our souls if we don’t do so freely and with a little struggle? I personally believe that every healthy relationship requires a little give and take, rather then one blindly following the other. Why should our relationship with God be any different? Sure He’s God, but that doesn’t mean anything unless we choose to follow Him.
I’m not saying that we should spend our lives arguing over every little detail of our existence with God, but when it comes to the big decisions a little debate is necessary. Not just for our sake, but for His as well. I don’t think God set out to create a world full of mindless drones. If that’s what He wanted we would live in constant fear for our lives, and no one would question His existence. I think that rather God wishes for us to look to Him for guidance in our lives the way a child looks to their parents before crossing the street. We can choose to strike out on our own, but in the end we must overcome our pride, selfishness, and stubbornness, and accept the fact that God can be the road map and directions we never thought to stop for.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Another Update
So far nothing has come forth about moving forward in the process with the diocese. Which is frustrating at best. In the mean time I've managed to get my hands into just about every pie I come across at my new parish.
In addition to being on the S'MORES Committee, I'm also a chalice, a lector, I volunteer in the Nursery, I'm teaching Sunday School to the Junior High, and I'm starting the Youth Group. I find most of what I'm doing is fulfilling for the time being. Its not that I want to be more involved in other things per se just simply that I wished to be involved in a different way. Which I suppose is a good thing in that hopefully I'm still on the right path. God and I are still debating that one some days.
The Junior High kids can be exhausting but I've really come to love working with them and attempting to help them gain some knowledge from me. Some Sundays I feel like I've done nothing but have them read the Gospel reading for that Sunday-not for lack of trying-and other Sundays I feel as if I've imparted some wisdom that will grow their faith just a little. What's really bizarre, is when what I say is reiterated in some way by what is said in that day's sermon. God truly works in small and mysterious ways.
The Youth Group is slow growing. The kids all seem excited about it, but the struggle lies in scheduling conflicts with the older ones. I know the Middle Schoolers because I teach them, but the High Schoolers and I haven't connected yet. Which is hard cause I don't want to force myself on them, at the same time that I really would love to get to know them just a little. Only time will tell I suppose. That and a little prayer might help.
I will try to keep you updated as I go. Its slow going, but I hope things pick up soon.
In addition to being on the S'MORES Committee, I'm also a chalice, a lector, I volunteer in the Nursery, I'm teaching Sunday School to the Junior High, and I'm starting the Youth Group. I find most of what I'm doing is fulfilling for the time being. Its not that I want to be more involved in other things per se just simply that I wished to be involved in a different way. Which I suppose is a good thing in that hopefully I'm still on the right path. God and I are still debating that one some days.
The Junior High kids can be exhausting but I've really come to love working with them and attempting to help them gain some knowledge from me. Some Sundays I feel like I've done nothing but have them read the Gospel reading for that Sunday-not for lack of trying-and other Sundays I feel as if I've imparted some wisdom that will grow their faith just a little. What's really bizarre, is when what I say is reiterated in some way by what is said in that day's sermon. God truly works in small and mysterious ways.
The Youth Group is slow growing. The kids all seem excited about it, but the struggle lies in scheduling conflicts with the older ones. I know the Middle Schoolers because I teach them, but the High Schoolers and I haven't connected yet. Which is hard cause I don't want to force myself on them, at the same time that I really would love to get to know them just a little. Only time will tell I suppose. That and a little prayer might help.
I will try to keep you updated as I go. Its slow going, but I hope things pick up soon.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Brief Update
First off, sorry for the lack of posts recently....if anyone is reading this that is.....I've been very busy with work and there haven't been any new developments. Its been frustrating and rather then repeatedly saying so hear I just decided to take some time and pray for patience. It worked, sort of. I received an email from the Rector at the church I've settled at talking about the new program they've established for young adults 20-24. It said to fill out the linked application and mail it to the Diocese with Rector signature. I planned to do so first thing the next day, until I received a second email. The Rector had forwarded a correction they made to the previous day's announcement. It basically said scratch that about the young adult program, we'll let you know when and how to apply. The process is supposed to start next month. This is promising. As my Rector said in her email "Kinda makes you wonder."
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Parish Camp Out
Saturday we had the Parish Camp Out. My father, sister and I attended since my mother had to work. We got there a little after 3 pm and a few people had arrived to put up tents. as we had no tent and no real interest in spending the night, we immediately went to work on grounds beautification.
This involved pulling weeds from around the trees and the outdoor altar, then tilling the soil and spreading out new mulch. By the time we finished more people had started to arrive. As they were arriving they were sort of placing food they brought here and there and then going off to do whatever. Since no one else seemed to really be in charge of the food that was fast becoming an unorganized pile, I decided to step up and take some initiative.
I quickly became the uncontested "food lady" if you will. People were asking where to put things, etc. When it came time to prepare to serve the food, someone came up to me and asked what I wanted to do. It was surprising at first to have so many people, most of which I didn't know very well, just sort of following along and asking me what to do. But my surprise was quickly overpowered by a sense of calm and purpose. It felt right and natural.
Interestingly enough, just the other day the Rector said that "to be a leader its important to have followers. If you look behind you and no one is following then you aren't a leader." I guess I really am becoming a leader at this church. And it feels great.
Below is a photo of the outdoor altar.
This involved pulling weeds from around the trees and the outdoor altar, then tilling the soil and spreading out new mulch. By the time we finished more people had started to arrive. As they were arriving they were sort of placing food they brought here and there and then going off to do whatever. Since no one else seemed to really be in charge of the food that was fast becoming an unorganized pile, I decided to step up and take some initiative.
I quickly became the uncontested "food lady" if you will. People were asking where to put things, etc. When it came time to prepare to serve the food, someone came up to me and asked what I wanted to do. It was surprising at first to have so many people, most of which I didn't know very well, just sort of following along and asking me what to do. But my surprise was quickly overpowered by a sense of calm and purpose. It felt right and natural.
Interestingly enough, just the other day the Rector said that "to be a leader its important to have followers. If you look behind you and no one is following then you aren't a leader." I guess I really am becoming a leader at this church. And it feels great.
Below is a photo of the outdoor altar.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)