Almost six years ago was the first time I went to New York City. I was 18, a senior in high school, and excited to be with my diocesan youth friends going on a weekend adventure in the Big Apple. We went up Friday night and spent the night in St. John the Divine Cathedral. At the time they were still renovating from the fire they had in 2001, so there was some scaffolding and the organ was missing. Being young and surrounded by friends I didn't pay very much attention to all that was said and done. I remember bits and pieces about my night in the 601 ft. long mammoth Cathedral; it was gorgeous albeit drafty, monstrous in size, and I remember the meditation I had. I remember actually go off on my own in a corner of the drafty dark building with not but a candle and sitting and praying.
Six years later I returned with five middle schoolers from the parish I attend and 40+ other adults and middle schoolers from the diocese of Maryland. I ran into two friends of mine that I had seen since I was in high school, that I met doing diocesan things; and I met some new people. The trip was shorter overall this time due to the age of youth, but the time spent in the Cathedral was the same. There was no scaffolding this time, and the sheer emptiness of this great building was overwhelming once again. Best of all the organ was back.
Not many people know this about me but I have a secret love and passion for organs and organ music. The variation and exuberance that can come from these great instruments is magical for me. The organ at St. John the Divine is by far my favorite. The pipes are beautiful, and installed in such a way that you can hear what's being played from end to end. Sitting in the choir seats below where most of the pipes are housed, you can feel the music being played in the ground beneath your feet. I could have sat and listened to that magnificent instrument all night long. But I digress.
One big thing that didn't change for me was the candlelight meditation before the midnight Eucharist. We all gathered and lit our candles, someone said a prayer and we moved off on our own. I gravitated to the left side of the Cathedral towards the back where there is an alcove dedicated to poetry. I sat on the innermost steps, braced my candle so I wouldn't blow it out and relaxed. Most of the people congregated at the front of the building, so I was mostly on my own.
And there I sat in this building that outsized me in ways you can't fathom, and I listened to the rhythm of my breathing as it slowed; and I had a conversation with God. Not a hey how's it going my family is good sort of conversation, more of a prayerful frustration. As I look to move forward with my journey I find myself distracted by things I wish I didn't have to worry about. Where can I find work? Should I take a job for two months and then leave come March for my fall back position? Should I wait and just continue to collect unemployment? What if I don't get that job that I applied for? What if I can't get the time off that I need to meet with people and move forward in the process? What if I can't get time off to do things with my youth group kids? What will happen to my youth group kids if I go to seminary in the fall? Where should I go to seminary in the fall? Should I wait until next year so I can spend more time with my youth group? Can I find someone to take over for me and keep things running? Is this really what I want to be doing? Wouldn't I be just as content with staying where I am and doing what I'm doing right now? What if I don't get in? What if they don't accept me as a postulant? What if I can't find a position?
So many questions I haven't found the answers to, but continue to look to God to help me stay on the right path. Tears came to my eyes as I sat listening for an answer, and then the music began to play calling everyone to the altar for the Eucharist. And as I walked from the back of the Cathedral to the front behind all those candles I saw a piece of the puzzle fall into place. Right then, at that very moment, I was in a magical place and it was exactly where I felt God wanted me to be. As much as we like to plan for the future and look forward, sometimes I find God reminding me that what's happening right now, at this very moment, is just as important as what will be happening tomorrow or two months from now.
