A Poem

Approximately 7 years ago I was at a lock-in and I wrote a poem I would like to share with you. For me it is the foundation of my faith and represents what Good Friday means to me. It is titled "My Love"

I cry
Because I understand
I understand
That I sinned
I understand
That I killed you
I understand
That you love me
Your love
Will one day save me
One day I will know
I will see your face
I will stand beside you
One day
I will show you
My love is in my tears

My Discernment

I wanted you to hear it from me first. After meeting with the COM Saturday I have been informed that they don't think I am ready for seminary this fall. They want me to begin the DOV program in August, leading to me applying for postulancy and seminary in fall 2012. I will post more details as they come to me, and I thank you for your continued support and prayers. I'm in a very confused and disappointed place right now, but I'm praying that it will all make sense soon.

Meetings and Conversations

This morning I woke up at 6:45 am. Why, you ask, was I awake so early on a Saturday that I didn’t have to work? I had to be in Baltimore by 9:00 am, to meet with members of the Commission on Ministry (COM) and the Bishop. I was the first of the aspirants to arrive, but the other three joined me shortly followed by the members of the COM.

We headed downstairs to start the morning with a Morning Prayer service and then we received our schedules for the morning/mid-day. I glanced at my copy to see where I would be first and inwardly gasped. I was to be the first of the group to meet with the Bishop. Our Bishop is a man that I greatly admire and strongly believe is one of the greatest leaders our Diocese has seen in years. I have chatted with him once before and found him to be attentive and open and honest, so naturally I was a moderate amount terrified at being the first person he spoke with this morning. However, as we were leaving the nave of the Cathedral I found my glance drawn to the simple cross hanging over the altar. I looked at that cross and a sense of calm overcame me as I prayed that God would grant me the strength of Moses and David.

The Bishop took me upstairs and after taking a moment to get set up he led me into his office. I sat on the couch and we began with a moment of silence followed by a prayer, and an unbelievably meaningful conversation. He shared a few things with me that I will share with you as well.

The first and most striking is a concept I find inexpressibly fascinating, though we didn’t discuss it for terribly long. God doesn’t control everything. It’s not a matter of Him not being able to but rather He chooses not to. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be if you were the one holding the puppet strings to every living thing on the planet? It would be unbelievably tiresome and time consuming. Instead the Bishop shared with me that he believes God allows life to take its course, knowing that we can work most things out on our own. However, he believes that God makes things happen. When something tragic happens in the world, when we are met with an obstacle that knocks us so far down we can’t see the sky, God steps in and says lets pick you up and put you back on your feet. It must have been one of the most profoundly brief discussions I’ve ever had in my entire life.

We talked of course about me and my experiences and what I saw happening with my life, which I expected. He shared his excitement for the process and his concerns about financing that my discernment committee and I had expressed. He was seemingly impressed with my grounded expectations and willingness to consider lay ministry if ordained ministry doesn’t pan out. However, he truly wants to see that the diocese is ordaining young people because at some point we will need people with 25-30+ years of experience to lead the Church. All in all it was a pleasant and positive conversation that I truly enjoyed.

I between having us meet with the Bishop and a group of COM members we spent time in pairs chatting with an individual member of the COM. It was a more informal conversation where we chatted about everything from Magic Meatballs, to Seminary experiences, from French films, to which language to take Greek or Hebrew. The two ladies I chatted with, after talking with the Bishop and before meeting with the COM, were so nice, and really wanted to answer any and all questions we might have. It was a lot of fun.

I was the last person to meet with the members of the COM and it was a little bit nerve wracking. After I talked a bit about who I was and how I had come to be there, it went something like this: someone asked me a question, I answered, long pause, someone else asked me a question, I answered, long pause, etc. for about 40 minutes. It was different from my meeting with the Bishop in that it felt more like an interview while the Bishop meeting felt more like a discussion/conversation. That was probably the point but I must say I preferred the one to the other.

After I finished with the COM members we concluded the day with a Mid-Day Prayer service and the aspirants were allowed to leave while the COM members stayed to discuss all that had transpired on behalf of the full COM. We were told to expect a phone call sometime this weekend or early this week to let us know where we stand; which is good because there was some speculation that we might have to wait two weeks until the full COM met!

It was a long morning but I was grateful I had my discernment rock! I found it to be particularly comforting while meeting with the members of the COM. I plan to lay it at the foot of the cross one day this week at Church. I do ask for your prayers this weekend/week as I await word from the COM.