Storytime

I feel like I owe anyone who has read this blog an explanation. First, an apology. I experienced a lot of frustration when I was going through the formal process last year and at the beginning of this year I stepped away from lots of things with no explanation. So now for a little story time.

In January/February of this year, after weeks of prayerful consideration I decided to remove myself from the formal process in the Diocese of Maryland. I was too focused on the financial obligations and way too stressed out by the whole experience. I wrote a formal letter of withdrawal and sent it to the Diocese. In it I explained what I was doing and why. I decided that I need more time outside of the process to discern what God is calling me to do with the gifts and talents He has given me. I spent so much time focused on what the next step was and worried about money that I was becoming unable to see or discern anything else. My discernment process was getting in the way of my discernment.

I spent the next several months focusing on my job-substitute teaching-and just letting life come as it would. At the end of March I had a jolt of surprise. I took three of my youth group kids (high schoolers) and practically shoved them outside of their comfort zone. Along with some other youth from our Diocese we headed to West Virginia and spent the weekend in the middle of the woods at a Conference/Camp Center with other youth from our Province. When the youth met for small groups, all the adults gathered together to talk and share experiences. When asked what I do at my home parish I explained and they responded by saying "so you're the youth minister." I was hesitant to agree because I don't wear a collar and don't get paid for what I do, but they insisted and my youth group kids agreed; and so suddenly I had achieved a new title without really trying to.

My only real goals at this point in the summer are 1) get some of the youth group to show up for a volunteer event they wanted to do-summer schedules are hard but they insist they still want to do it-and 2) to get signed up for an early childhood education class at the local community college-I'm hoping that it will give me the knowledge I need to take some tests and get my teaching certificate by the end of next summer. I try to take it one day at a time and listen carefully to what God is saying, but some days all I hear is silence on the other end of that conversation; something that has taken time to accept, but I know that when the time is right if I'm truly listening I will hear what I'm supposed to.

My Goodbye

As the summer draws to a close I look forward to starting my internship and and thereby beginning the next phase in my discernment process. I am saddened to be leaving my home parish, but I am excited to see what new experiences I will have while I am away. Below is the letter my Rector recommended I write to my home parish explaining where I am going and what I will be doing while I'm gone. I have blacked out names of the churches in order to preserve privacy.

To My Wonderful Home Parish,

            First, I would like to say thank-you. Thank-you for opening your hearts and your doors to my family and to me. Your love and support have been invaluable to me during this time of growth and discovery. I am sorry to have to leave you all for the next four months, know that you will all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

            I would like to take this opportunity to explain my absence. As a part of my ongoing discernment of my call to priesthood, I am in a program that necessitates me having an internship at a parish not of my choosing. I will spend every Sunday morning and a few hours each week at St. John’s in Hagerstown. I will preach one Sunday in October, participate fully in worship on Sunday mornings, work with the Altar Guild and Stephen Ministry, bring communion to those who are unable to come to services, and various other ministerial activities. While there I am not permitted to remain involved ministerially at St. James’, which unfortunately means that I will not be teaching Sunday School and I will be unable to lead the Youth Group. It is a necessary separation that will allow me to become fully immersed in my internship setting, and gain the most from my time there.

            It is my hope that during my time at St. John’s I can explore the areas of the church with which I am less familiar. I pray that this exploration will further reveal what it is that God is calling me to do with the gifts He’s given to me. I ask for your continued prayers and support during this time away, and look forward to sharing my experiences with you when I return.

My Discernment

I wanted you to hear it from me first. After meeting with the COM Saturday I have been informed that they don't think I am ready for seminary this fall. They want me to begin the DOV program in August, leading to me applying for postulancy and seminary in fall 2012. I will post more details as they come to me, and I thank you for your continued support and prayers. I'm in a very confused and disappointed place right now, but I'm praying that it will all make sense soon.

Meetings and Conversations

This morning I woke up at 6:45 am. Why, you ask, was I awake so early on a Saturday that I didn’t have to work? I had to be in Baltimore by 9:00 am, to meet with members of the Commission on Ministry (COM) and the Bishop. I was the first of the aspirants to arrive, but the other three joined me shortly followed by the members of the COM.

We headed downstairs to start the morning with a Morning Prayer service and then we received our schedules for the morning/mid-day. I glanced at my copy to see where I would be first and inwardly gasped. I was to be the first of the group to meet with the Bishop. Our Bishop is a man that I greatly admire and strongly believe is one of the greatest leaders our Diocese has seen in years. I have chatted with him once before and found him to be attentive and open and honest, so naturally I was a moderate amount terrified at being the first person he spoke with this morning. However, as we were leaving the nave of the Cathedral I found my glance drawn to the simple cross hanging over the altar. I looked at that cross and a sense of calm overcame me as I prayed that God would grant me the strength of Moses and David.

The Bishop took me upstairs and after taking a moment to get set up he led me into his office. I sat on the couch and we began with a moment of silence followed by a prayer, and an unbelievably meaningful conversation. He shared a few things with me that I will share with you as well.

The first and most striking is a concept I find inexpressibly fascinating, though we didn’t discuss it for terribly long. God doesn’t control everything. It’s not a matter of Him not being able to but rather He chooses not to. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be if you were the one holding the puppet strings to every living thing on the planet? It would be unbelievably tiresome and time consuming. Instead the Bishop shared with me that he believes God allows life to take its course, knowing that we can work most things out on our own. However, he believes that God makes things happen. When something tragic happens in the world, when we are met with an obstacle that knocks us so far down we can’t see the sky, God steps in and says lets pick you up and put you back on your feet. It must have been one of the most profoundly brief discussions I’ve ever had in my entire life.

We talked of course about me and my experiences and what I saw happening with my life, which I expected. He shared his excitement for the process and his concerns about financing that my discernment committee and I had expressed. He was seemingly impressed with my grounded expectations and willingness to consider lay ministry if ordained ministry doesn’t pan out. However, he truly wants to see that the diocese is ordaining young people because at some point we will need people with 25-30+ years of experience to lead the Church. All in all it was a pleasant and positive conversation that I truly enjoyed.

I between having us meet with the Bishop and a group of COM members we spent time in pairs chatting with an individual member of the COM. It was a more informal conversation where we chatted about everything from Magic Meatballs, to Seminary experiences, from French films, to which language to take Greek or Hebrew. The two ladies I chatted with, after talking with the Bishop and before meeting with the COM, were so nice, and really wanted to answer any and all questions we might have. It was a lot of fun.

I was the last person to meet with the members of the COM and it was a little bit nerve wracking. After I talked a bit about who I was and how I had come to be there, it went something like this: someone asked me a question, I answered, long pause, someone else asked me a question, I answered, long pause, etc. for about 40 minutes. It was different from my meeting with the Bishop in that it felt more like an interview while the Bishop meeting felt more like a discussion/conversation. That was probably the point but I must say I preferred the one to the other.

After I finished with the COM members we concluded the day with a Mid-Day Prayer service and the aspirants were allowed to leave while the COM members stayed to discuss all that had transpired on behalf of the full COM. We were told to expect a phone call sometime this weekend or early this week to let us know where we stand; which is good because there was some speculation that we might have to wait two weeks until the full COM met!

It was a long morning but I was grateful I had my discernment rock! I found it to be particularly comforting while meeting with the members of the COM. I plan to lay it at the foot of the cross one day this week at Church. I do ask for your prayers this weekend/week as I await word from the COM.

My Discernment Rock

At the start of Lent the Rector of our church put out a basket of stones in the Narthex and encouraged us to take one and carry it around with us during Lent-the idea being that on Good Friday you come and lay your stone at the foot of the cross. I didn't think too much of it at the time, and so I didn't get a stone or think about the stones until last Sunday. See where I'm going with this don't you?

I arrived early for my first discernment committee meeting and since no one else was there I was sort of meandering about in the Narthex waiting for others to arrive. I came across the basket of stones and looking through them pulled out one that fit into the palm of my hand but not quite comfortably since its sort of triangular in shape. I hadn't planned on keeping it, put I never got around to putting it back.

All through the meeting I clung to that stone. I didn't really think terribly much about it per se it just was there and I like to think it was absorbing all of my worries and fears and thoughts and prayers. I got into the car to head home and realized that I still had the stone in my hand. And so it became my Lenten rock.

This morning I was going to bring it with me to church, but I decided to bring my new Prayer Beads instead so I could get them blessed. And in that moment of deciding not to bring my rock with me, it became my discernment rock. I have decided that I will bring it with me to every meeting, gathering, service, grouping, etc I attend concerning my discernment. And then either on Good Friday or Holy Saturday before the service, I will take my discernment rock filled with all of my discernment worries, fears, hopes, prayers, concerns, and feelings and I will lay it down before the cross. I will in a way lay my discernment at Christ's feet. I pray He will bring it to God on my behalf.

Discernment Committee

I had my first official meeting with my discernment committee last night. It was an eye opener in some ways. They asked a lot of questions and I sort of rambled on about my life and my experiences and where I see myself going. To be honest I didn't know what to expect of the people who were on the committee, but I sort of knew what was going to be expected of them.....which I know doesn't really make very much sense. Mostly its that I knew what was going to happen but I didn't know how it was going to play out. They ask me a wide variety of open ended questions and I just sort of sit there and yammer on trying to answer as best I can. I call them my sounding board, because at times its like they are an extension of me really. They asked me questions that other people have asked me before of course, but they also asked me questions and got me to talk about the things that I've been avoiding asking myself. Not wanting to break the confidentiality I won't go into details but, they got me to think about what is driving my desire to attend VTS in the Fall, and what is behind my interest in becoming a priest specifically rather than just working in Christian Formation. I did cry but that could have been for a number of reasons - the biggest one being that I was running on about 10 hours of sleep since I had just gotten home yesterday afternoon from the Senior High Nightwatch Weekend in New York City - but it was also because I was forced to address some of the fears I have about becoming a priest. I think there is a very good reason why I have such a connection with the story of Moses. During this process in conversations I have had with God I find myself thinking some of the things that Moses did when he was faced with the burning bush. Am I really the right person for the job? Can I do what God wants me to do? Logically I know that God would never ask me to do anything I couldn't do on my own or with His help/guidance, but darn it if it isn't scary as all hell! We are meeting again next Sunday to continue the conversation, and this time I hope to have a few extra hours of sleep under my belt.

Answers at Last

After months of struggling to understand what lies before me and never receiving a clear answer I woke up this morning a little before 8 am and made my way to Baltimore. Having sent in my application for the Younger Vocations Discernment (YVD) process just under a month ago, there was finally some light leaking into the end of my tunnel. I arrived at the Cathedral of the Incarnation just before 10 am. My destination? A meeting with the Bishop of Maryland and other potential YVD applicants. I was excited and terrified with no idea what to expect. There were seven of us in the conference room awaiting the Bishop's arrival in awkward silence. We numbered three girls and two boys (myself included) waiting with two women seemingly in charge of the process.

He strolled into the conference room and after greetings, led us in prayer. We went around the room and shared our experiences that led us to be sitting in that room. And as I sat listening to the stories, I begin to recognize a pattern of sorts. Disregarding minor details, everything that everyone in that room said sounded almost the same. We all started out looking for one thing and found ourselves being called somewhere else by God-to the Church. It was a revelation for me in a way. I have spent months listening to Priests telling their stories of hearing God's call and feeling a connection to what they were saying, but nothing every really struck me like hearing the experiences coming from my peers. It was a sort of validation that I'm not alone in this process and in these feelings and struggles.

After hearing from us the Bishop took over and talked about what it means to truly be called to Priesthood and leadership in the Church. He spoke about the Parishes of the Episcopal church being a frontline for growing the Episcopal Church as a whole. In addition he discussed the changes he foresees as necessary for Priests. He feels that we must continue moving towards Priests who are both Priests as their vocation and who have a steady job providing an income; much the way it is right now for Deacons.

Then he talked about the call. He said there is one call you hear but you should look at it in four ways.

1. The Baptismal or General Call
• This call is based on the Baptismal Covenant we recite at Baptisms and is found in the BCP.
• This is something that you can hear over and over but never truly hear until you realize that you are being called to action. Meaning that you come to recognize that through the Baptismal Covenant we are all called to some form of ministry in the Church just not all called to the Priesthood or Diaconate.
2. The Inner Call
• This call is the one that you hear calling you to a particular ministry such as Priesthood or Diaconate.
• This call is necessary but no sufficient enough for the person to just go to seminary and become a Priest or Deacon based solely on the Inner Calling.
3. The Providential Call
• This is where the gifts and talents come into play.
• Do you have the leadership skills to be a Priest or Deacon? Do you have the people skills, the administrative skills, the love of reading and writing, the ability to articulate yourself, etc?
4. The Ecclesiastical Call
• This final call is a form of validation.
• It comes from your peers, an established group such as a parish, and the Bishop.
• All those in support of you lifting you up to move forward and become a Priest or Deacon.

After he finished talking, he left us to learn about the process for which we are the guinea pigs. They want the process to be a discernment that allows for undergraduate students to move from their undergrad directly into seminary. Meaning that I could be going to seminary in the Fall of 2011. But first an explanation.

The way they want it to go is this. We begin by doing two things. First we get people from our parishes to send in letters of recommendation to start building our discernment files. These letters detail our leadership skills, involvement in the church, and give stories and examples to help paint a picture of who we are. Then working with a Rector or Chaplain-as applicable-we form a committee of 6-8 people who's job it is to help us discern if we are ready for seminary in the fall. Four of us will be doing exactly this. The one young lady is a junior at her university and will therefore probably spend more time discerning when she is ready to move forward.

Upon application and acceptance into a seminary, we will spend the first year discerning if we are moving in the right direction and then discerning if we wish to apply for postulancy. This is a big change from the current system-not that the previous information I gave isn't-in that just because we are going to seminary doesn't mean we have a guarantee. We must apply for postulancy and if we are accepted as postulants then we shift from the Master of Theology program to the Master of Divinity Program (if applicable-I say this because it is possible that some seminaries won't accept us into the Master of Divinity Program without us being postulants first but will allow us to enter as Master of Theology students and make the switch once we become postulants.

It is such a major overhaul of the current system, however it really does make sense. They encouraged us to start looking into seminaries, although must of us already had begun to do so. I myself have to find a way to visit the other seminary I am considering Virginia Theological Seminary. But as this post is long enough I will conclude by asking an interesting question the Bishop posed to us. Why are you a Christian?