Discernment Committee

I had my first official meeting with my discernment committee last night. It was an eye opener in some ways. They asked a lot of questions and I sort of rambled on about my life and my experiences and where I see myself going. To be honest I didn't know what to expect of the people who were on the committee, but I sort of knew what was going to be expected of them.....which I know doesn't really make very much sense. Mostly its that I knew what was going to happen but I didn't know how it was going to play out. They ask me a wide variety of open ended questions and I just sort of sit there and yammer on trying to answer as best I can. I call them my sounding board, because at times its like they are an extension of me really. They asked me questions that other people have asked me before of course, but they also asked me questions and got me to talk about the things that I've been avoiding asking myself. Not wanting to break the confidentiality I won't go into details but, they got me to think about what is driving my desire to attend VTS in the Fall, and what is behind my interest in becoming a priest specifically rather than just working in Christian Formation. I did cry but that could have been for a number of reasons - the biggest one being that I was running on about 10 hours of sleep since I had just gotten home yesterday afternoon from the Senior High Nightwatch Weekend in New York City - but it was also because I was forced to address some of the fears I have about becoming a priest. I think there is a very good reason why I have such a connection with the story of Moses. During this process in conversations I have had with God I find myself thinking some of the things that Moses did when he was faced with the burning bush. Am I really the right person for the job? Can I do what God wants me to do? Logically I know that God would never ask me to do anything I couldn't do on my own or with His help/guidance, but darn it if it isn't scary as all hell! We are meeting again next Sunday to continue the conversation, and this time I hope to have a few extra hours of sleep under my belt.

The Catechumenate

When I first received the e-mail from VTS informing me that they were offering a “class” specifically for visitors to sit in on, I got very excited. Then I saw the title. Then I went on Wikipedia, because I did not for the life of me know what the Catechumenate was (or for that matter how to pronounce it)! Maybe that makes me a poor excuse for a Christian, I like to think it makes me no more educated about the technical terms that most. According to the syllabus we received “understood well, the catechumenate prepares people for baptism and baptismal living while providing an opportunity for the renewal of congregational mission.” To me this means that every Episcopalian should at some point in their Christian Formation Education learn about the catechumenate. Seeing as I know nothing, the “class” I had was a real eye-opener.

First we took a quiz designed to show us the roles that clubs and communities play in our lives. It consisted of basic yes and no questions revolving around life experiences. “Do you remember your baptism?” “Were you ever initiated into a sorority or fraternity?” “Did you have a secret handshake or club with friends as a child?” “Have you ever had to make a decision about circumcision?” “Were you raised in the Episcopal Church?” There were 15 questions asked and then we proceeded to discuss some of them based on how others answered. The catechumenate is a sort of community/club/secret handshake that only Christians know about. There are rights of initiation and it is a lifelong process.

As we discussed these various experiences we reflected on many of the timeless debates that occur within the Episcopal Church. I found these to be even more fascinating, because these debates have existed for centuries and we still have not come to find the “right answer.” Should we look at baptism and communion as going “through the table to the font?” or as coming “to the table through the font?” Is communion therefore exclusive or expulsive? The example given was that by only allowing baptized Christians to receive communion that makes it exclusive, versus when Jesus was baptized he was immediately expelled into the wilderness for 40 days of solitude.

I thought it was important to note that Catholic rights have transformed Episcopal thinking. Much of what we have decided to do was done because we disagreed with or were opposed to what the Catholics were doing at the time. The importance of baptism, the issue of re-baptism and confirmation, the Hierarchy of the Church, and Original Sin; just to name a few examples. We also discussed the Four Part Process of Catechesis, which really to me is only 3 parts but that’s neither here nor there. The first three parts consist of two basic principles: Entrance into the Catechumenal Process, and Teachings & Rights of Initiation. The fourth step is the Mystagogical Catechesis; which is basically referring to the fact that since the catechesis is a lifelong process the Mystagogical portion of that process is everything following initiation-what it means to be a member of the baptismal community.

Virginia Theological Seminary: A Weekend

 

  Friday morning I got up and my parents drove me to Virginia Theological Seminary (VTS) in Alexandria, Virginia. There I spent the weekend living on the campus and learning what it meant to be a student at VTS.

  I arrived around 2 in the afternoon, and I couldn't put my luggage in my room because room check-in isn't until 3, so I sort of hung out in the Welcome Center until it was time for the class at 3:15. It was a demo class of sorts that was taught by two professors on campus and was intended to introduce us to classroom life at VTS. It was immensely fascinating and I truly enjoyed the professors'.
  
  After class, we were divided into two groups and taken on a tour of the campus. We toured the dormitories, saw two rooms, got a sneak peek at the refectory, learned about the history of some of the buildings, saw the Center for the Ministry of Teaching, saw civil war graffiti, skirted the construction, mourned the loss of the Chapel, and then headed over to Episcopal High School (EHS) for a worship service. EHS is kind enough to share their worship space with VTS from time to time due to the fire in the Chapel at VTS on October 22, 2010. It is a beautiful campus and they grant VTS students access to the gym facilities-many years ago VTS donated land to EHS and the two schools still maintain a good relationship.

  After church I managed to meet up with my sponsor for the weekend and we went to retrieve my bags from the Welcome Center and take them over to my room in Wilmer Hall. I then discovered that I had a roommate for the weekend (which is no big deal, it was mostly surprising, however all on campus housing is single rooms). After dropping my stuff off my roommate and I headed over to the refectory for mingling before dinner. Dinner was delicious, and I sat with people I didn't know and learned about some of the different processes others are experiencing.

  After dinner there was a sing-a-long, followed by wandering outside to find the party on the patio. They had a fire going and were tossing some bean-bags around. I chatted with some people, including a friend of mine from E.Y.E. who was visiting for the weekend as well. Turned out he was staying with another friend of ours from E.Y.E. so I got to catch up with her a little and meet her husband who is a student at VTS. (It was their apartment I went to for dinner Saturday)

  I eventually headed back to my room and called it a night. I awoke around 7 that morning got dressed and headed to breakfast. I listened to more stories about people's experiences over chipped beef and biscuits, followed by a morning prayer service. I proceeded to spend the rest of the morning trying to escape the rising sun. (The room we were in had a wall of windows and as the sun rose we kept moving backwards to avoid sitting in the heat of it.)

  We heard from the Dean of VTS (really neat guy from England-nationalized last year) and introduced ourselves. There was a brief history of the school, a discussion of how academics work, and a few other things that I don't remember because I spent most of Saturday morning "being talked at." After a short break we heard a presentation on the Financial Aid that VTS offers its students-substantial to say the least-and then we were introduced to 18 of the 22 full time faculty members.

  Following lunch I took a tour of the Bishop Payne Library including a peek into their Rare Books Room. We saw a first edition King James Bible from 1611, an ancient book of psalms, a Confederate States of America Book of Common Prayer, a very small version of the King James Bible from the 17th or 18th century, a Pre-Revolutionary War BCP, and two Assyrian Reliefs dating back to 860 BC. After the tour most of the participants had admissions interviews or sat in on panels. I chose to have some quiet reflective time. I took a shower and then found the "prayer room" in the Addison Building, for a chance to process the events thus far.

  At 5:30 I met up with my sponsor and another VTS student who took us over to the "off-campus" apartments for dinner. There was good food, wine, and really great conversations. After dinner we headed back to campus and the students hosted a Variety Show for us. It was very entertaining and really illustrated the diversity of the students currently at VTS. I packed up most of my belongings and then crashed for the night. Then this morning I met up with some people and we headed into DC and attended morning service at the Washington National Cathedral.

  Overall, my experience at VTS was far superior to what I could have ever hoped for. The students, faculty, and staff went out of their way to ensure that we had a memorable and beneficial experience. So much of what I heard this weekend mirrored my own feelings and experiences that I was in awe. The people I met and had conversations with were people that I would hope to have in my life shaping my seminary education. The faculty was inspirational & motivational, and the sense of community was deeply ingrained. I think I might be done looking for a place to go.

The photos included are (from top to bottom): The chapel that burned in October; The Center for the Ministry of Teaching-which reminded me of the bookstore in Beauty & the Beast; A Pre-Revolutionary War Book of Common Prayer-the handwritten portion is pasted over a prayer for the King of England.

Nightwatch

Almost six years ago was the first time I went to New York City. I was 18, a senior in high school, and excited to be with my diocesan youth friends going on a weekend adventure in the Big Apple. We went up Friday night and spent the night in St. John the Divine Cathedral. At the time they were still renovating from the fire they had in 2001, so there was some scaffolding and the organ was missing. Being young and surrounded by friends I didn't pay very much attention to all that was said and done. I remember bits and pieces about my night in the 601 ft. long mammoth Cathedral; it was gorgeous albeit drafty, monstrous in size, and I remember the meditation I had. I remember actually go off on my own in a corner of the drafty dark building with not but a candle and sitting and praying.

Six years later I returned with five middle schoolers from the parish I attend and 40+ other adults and middle schoolers from the diocese of Maryland. I ran into two friends of mine that I had seen since I was in high school, that I met doing diocesan things; and I met some new people. The trip was shorter overall this time due to the age of youth, but the time spent in the Cathedral was the same. There was no scaffolding this time, and the sheer emptiness of this great building was overwhelming once again. Best of all the organ was back.

Not many people know this about me but I have a secret love and passion for organs and organ music. The variation and exuberance that can come from these great instruments is magical for me. The organ at St. John the Divine is by far my favorite. The pipes are beautiful, and installed in such a way that you can hear what's being played from end to end. Sitting in the choir seats below where most of the pipes are housed, you can feel the music being played in the ground beneath your feet. I could have sat and listened to that magnificent instrument all night long. But I digress.

One big thing that didn't change for me was the candlelight meditation before the midnight Eucharist. We all gathered and lit our candles, someone said a prayer and we moved off on our own. I gravitated to the left side of the Cathedral towards the back where there is an alcove dedicated to poetry. I sat on the innermost steps, braced my candle so I wouldn't blow it out and relaxed. Most of the people congregated at the front of the building, so I was mostly on my own.

And there I sat in this building that outsized me in ways you can't fathom, and I listened to the rhythm of my breathing as it slowed; and I had a conversation with God. Not a hey how's it going my family is good sort of conversation, more of a prayerful frustration. As I look to move forward with my journey I find myself distracted by things I wish I didn't have to worry about. Where can I find work? Should I take a job for two months and then leave come March for my fall back position? Should I wait and just continue to collect unemployment? What if I don't get that job that I applied for? What if I can't get the time off that I need to meet with people and move forward in the process? What if I can't get time off to do things with my youth group kids? What will happen to my youth group kids if I go to seminary in the fall? Where should I go to seminary in the fall? Should I wait until next year so I can spend more time with my youth group? Can I find someone to take over for me and keep things running? Is this really what I want to be doing? Wouldn't I be just as content with staying where I am and doing what I'm doing right now? What if I don't get in? What if they don't accept me as a postulant? What if I can't find a position?

So many questions I haven't found the answers to, but continue to look to God to help me stay on the right path. Tears came to my eyes as I sat listening for an answer, and then the music began to play calling everyone to the altar for the Eucharist. And as I walked from the back of the Cathedral to the front behind all those candles I saw a piece of the puzzle fall into place. Right then, at that very moment, I was in a magical place and it was exactly where I felt God wanted me to be. As much as we like to plan for the future and look forward, sometimes I find God reminding me that what's happening right now, at this very moment, is just as important as what will be happening tomorrow or two months from now.

Answers at Last

After months of struggling to understand what lies before me and never receiving a clear answer I woke up this morning a little before 8 am and made my way to Baltimore. Having sent in my application for the Younger Vocations Discernment (YVD) process just under a month ago, there was finally some light leaking into the end of my tunnel. I arrived at the Cathedral of the Incarnation just before 10 am. My destination? A meeting with the Bishop of Maryland and other potential YVD applicants. I was excited and terrified with no idea what to expect. There were seven of us in the conference room awaiting the Bishop's arrival in awkward silence. We numbered three girls and two boys (myself included) waiting with two women seemingly in charge of the process.

He strolled into the conference room and after greetings, led us in prayer. We went around the room and shared our experiences that led us to be sitting in that room. And as I sat listening to the stories, I begin to recognize a pattern of sorts. Disregarding minor details, everything that everyone in that room said sounded almost the same. We all started out looking for one thing and found ourselves being called somewhere else by God-to the Church. It was a revelation for me in a way. I have spent months listening to Priests telling their stories of hearing God's call and feeling a connection to what they were saying, but nothing every really struck me like hearing the experiences coming from my peers. It was a sort of validation that I'm not alone in this process and in these feelings and struggles.

After hearing from us the Bishop took over and talked about what it means to truly be called to Priesthood and leadership in the Church. He spoke about the Parishes of the Episcopal church being a frontline for growing the Episcopal Church as a whole. In addition he discussed the changes he foresees as necessary for Priests. He feels that we must continue moving towards Priests who are both Priests as their vocation and who have a steady job providing an income; much the way it is right now for Deacons.

Then he talked about the call. He said there is one call you hear but you should look at it in four ways.

1. The Baptismal or General Call
• This call is based on the Baptismal Covenant we recite at Baptisms and is found in the BCP.
• This is something that you can hear over and over but never truly hear until you realize that you are being called to action. Meaning that you come to recognize that through the Baptismal Covenant we are all called to some form of ministry in the Church just not all called to the Priesthood or Diaconate.
2. The Inner Call
• This call is the one that you hear calling you to a particular ministry such as Priesthood or Diaconate.
• This call is necessary but no sufficient enough for the person to just go to seminary and become a Priest or Deacon based solely on the Inner Calling.
3. The Providential Call
• This is where the gifts and talents come into play.
• Do you have the leadership skills to be a Priest or Deacon? Do you have the people skills, the administrative skills, the love of reading and writing, the ability to articulate yourself, etc?
4. The Ecclesiastical Call
• This final call is a form of validation.
• It comes from your peers, an established group such as a parish, and the Bishop.
• All those in support of you lifting you up to move forward and become a Priest or Deacon.

After he finished talking, he left us to learn about the process for which we are the guinea pigs. They want the process to be a discernment that allows for undergraduate students to move from their undergrad directly into seminary. Meaning that I could be going to seminary in the Fall of 2011. But first an explanation.

The way they want it to go is this. We begin by doing two things. First we get people from our parishes to send in letters of recommendation to start building our discernment files. These letters detail our leadership skills, involvement in the church, and give stories and examples to help paint a picture of who we are. Then working with a Rector or Chaplain-as applicable-we form a committee of 6-8 people who's job it is to help us discern if we are ready for seminary in the fall. Four of us will be doing exactly this. The one young lady is a junior at her university and will therefore probably spend more time discerning when she is ready to move forward.

Upon application and acceptance into a seminary, we will spend the first year discerning if we are moving in the right direction and then discerning if we wish to apply for postulancy. This is a big change from the current system-not that the previous information I gave isn't-in that just because we are going to seminary doesn't mean we have a guarantee. We must apply for postulancy and if we are accepted as postulants then we shift from the Master of Theology program to the Master of Divinity Program (if applicable-I say this because it is possible that some seminaries won't accept us into the Master of Divinity Program without us being postulants first but will allow us to enter as Master of Theology students and make the switch once we become postulants.

It is such a major overhaul of the current system, however it really does make sense. They encouraged us to start looking into seminaries, although must of us already had begun to do so. I myself have to find a way to visit the other seminary I am considering Virginia Theological Seminary. But as this post is long enough I will conclude by asking an interesting question the Bishop posed to us. Why are you a Christian?

Breakthrough

They say that patience is a virtue. It is one that I have certainly spent many years learning and practicing. Today I finally see the meaning behind the need for patience. Almost 10 months after hearing (and listening to) God's call for me to begin this journey, my patience has yielded fruit.

I received an e-mail this morning informing me that someone had given someone else my name as an interested applicant for the Younger Vocations Discernment Program. She said that if I was still interested all I had to do was fill out the attached application and mail it in.

In that moment of opening the application I could hear God saying to me "See. I told you it was really meant to be. I told you I hadn't left you hanging on a cliff you couldn't climb back up from. I told you your patience would be rewarded." As I read through the application I began to laugh. The sheer joy of finally seeing in words exactly what I was trying to find made me a little giddy!

And then I read the end of the application. It asks that you submit a sort of spiritual autobiography. "The first part should include some history of your spiritual journey-where you went to church, significant experiences of God either in church or out, and ways that you participated in the life of the community as you were learning about God. The second part should talk about where you are right now-where do you worship? What kind of studies/activities are you participating in that nurture your relationship with God? In the final part of the autobiography we would like to hear about where are you going.  This section is about articulating a call to next steps for you.  It isn’t about a complete outline of what you want to do, more about the way in which you feel God calling you to explore your vocation."

And as I read I began to cry. Here it was. My feelings vindicated. It was the last sentence that really spoke to me. It personified for me my entire experience and how I had come to begin this seemingly endless journey. "We often begin to experience a call to vocation when we notice how life giving or enjoyable certain activities are, or when we feel an ache for something more and can’t quite name it."

And on that note I will conclude this post. I have to compile my spiritual autobiography so I can continue moving forward on my journey with God.

A Movie That Promotes an Argument

I watched a fascinating movie last night called “One Night with the King” about a Jewish woman named Hadassah who risks her life to save her people. Don’t know who she is? Well unless you are extremely familiar with and educated about the Bible I don’t suppose you would. I didn’t until I came across the other name she is known by: Esther Queen of Persia.

I think that what I found most fascinating was the fact that while I knew about the story of Queen Esther, I don’t think I’d ever stopped to take the time to understand the story. There are so few stories in the Bible that define women as vessels for God’s work. There are the obvious ones: Eve, Mary, Ruth, Esther, Elisabeth, Sarah, and Mary Magdalene. And then there are the often forgotten or lesser known ones: Rachel, Leah, Martha, Miriam, Naomi, Rebekah, Hagar, and Zipporah to name a few. Some are less known because they don’t have the lead role, others are somewhat forgotten because they are supporting characters or mentioned in passing. Hadassah (Esther) has a big thing going for her though, in that she at least has her own Book in the Bible. Can’t too many people miss that one.

To my point! I find it deeply inspiring that God chose a woman to do his work in Persia. And it wasn’t simply an “I will do as you ask” kind of thing. She had a period of time where, like Jesus, she begged God to find another way to do what needed to be done. To find another vessel that didn’t require her sacrifice. If there was ever any proof in the Bible that women, Christ, and humanity are all connected it would be through Queen Esther. It is yet another example of the fact that God does not expect us to simply stand and say “Yes master, we will do as you command,” but I feel He would rather see us fight a little.

As counter intuitive as fighting with God may seem, I believe it to be a fundamental part of whom and what we are. Human; and God gave us free will. How can he expect us to truly follow Him with all our hearts and all our minds and all our souls if we don’t do so freely and with a little struggle? I personally believe that every healthy relationship requires a little give and take, rather then one blindly following the other. Why should our relationship with God be any different? Sure He’s God, but that doesn’t mean anything unless we choose to follow Him.

I’m not saying that we should spend our lives arguing over every little detail of our existence with God, but when it comes to the big decisions a little debate is necessary. Not just for our sake, but for His as well. I don’t think God set out to create a world full of mindless drones. If that’s what He wanted we would live in constant fear for our lives, and no one would question His existence. I think that rather God wishes for us to look to Him for guidance in our lives the way a child looks to their parents before crossing the street. We can choose to strike out on our own, but in the end we must overcome our pride, selfishness, and stubbornness, and accept the fact that God can be the road map and directions we never thought to stop for.