A Poem

Approximately 7 years ago I was at a lock-in and I wrote a poem I would like to share with you. For me it is the foundation of my faith and represents what Good Friday means to me. It is titled "My Love"

I cry
Because I understand
I understand
That I sinned
I understand
That I killed you
I understand
That you love me
Your love
Will one day save me
One day I will know
I will see your face
I will stand beside you
One day
I will show you
My love is in my tears

My Discernment

I wanted you to hear it from me first. After meeting with the COM Saturday I have been informed that they don't think I am ready for seminary this fall. They want me to begin the DOV program in August, leading to me applying for postulancy and seminary in fall 2012. I will post more details as they come to me, and I thank you for your continued support and prayers. I'm in a very confused and disappointed place right now, but I'm praying that it will all make sense soon.

Meetings and Conversations

This morning I woke up at 6:45 am. Why, you ask, was I awake so early on a Saturday that I didn’t have to work? I had to be in Baltimore by 9:00 am, to meet with members of the Commission on Ministry (COM) and the Bishop. I was the first of the aspirants to arrive, but the other three joined me shortly followed by the members of the COM.

We headed downstairs to start the morning with a Morning Prayer service and then we received our schedules for the morning/mid-day. I glanced at my copy to see where I would be first and inwardly gasped. I was to be the first of the group to meet with the Bishop. Our Bishop is a man that I greatly admire and strongly believe is one of the greatest leaders our Diocese has seen in years. I have chatted with him once before and found him to be attentive and open and honest, so naturally I was a moderate amount terrified at being the first person he spoke with this morning. However, as we were leaving the nave of the Cathedral I found my glance drawn to the simple cross hanging over the altar. I looked at that cross and a sense of calm overcame me as I prayed that God would grant me the strength of Moses and David.

The Bishop took me upstairs and after taking a moment to get set up he led me into his office. I sat on the couch and we began with a moment of silence followed by a prayer, and an unbelievably meaningful conversation. He shared a few things with me that I will share with you as well.

The first and most striking is a concept I find inexpressibly fascinating, though we didn’t discuss it for terribly long. God doesn’t control everything. It’s not a matter of Him not being able to but rather He chooses not to. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be if you were the one holding the puppet strings to every living thing on the planet? It would be unbelievably tiresome and time consuming. Instead the Bishop shared with me that he believes God allows life to take its course, knowing that we can work most things out on our own. However, he believes that God makes things happen. When something tragic happens in the world, when we are met with an obstacle that knocks us so far down we can’t see the sky, God steps in and says lets pick you up and put you back on your feet. It must have been one of the most profoundly brief discussions I’ve ever had in my entire life.

We talked of course about me and my experiences and what I saw happening with my life, which I expected. He shared his excitement for the process and his concerns about financing that my discernment committee and I had expressed. He was seemingly impressed with my grounded expectations and willingness to consider lay ministry if ordained ministry doesn’t pan out. However, he truly wants to see that the diocese is ordaining young people because at some point we will need people with 25-30+ years of experience to lead the Church. All in all it was a pleasant and positive conversation that I truly enjoyed.

I between having us meet with the Bishop and a group of COM members we spent time in pairs chatting with an individual member of the COM. It was a more informal conversation where we chatted about everything from Magic Meatballs, to Seminary experiences, from French films, to which language to take Greek or Hebrew. The two ladies I chatted with, after talking with the Bishop and before meeting with the COM, were so nice, and really wanted to answer any and all questions we might have. It was a lot of fun.

I was the last person to meet with the members of the COM and it was a little bit nerve wracking. After I talked a bit about who I was and how I had come to be there, it went something like this: someone asked me a question, I answered, long pause, someone else asked me a question, I answered, long pause, etc. for about 40 minutes. It was different from my meeting with the Bishop in that it felt more like an interview while the Bishop meeting felt more like a discussion/conversation. That was probably the point but I must say I preferred the one to the other.

After I finished with the COM members we concluded the day with a Mid-Day Prayer service and the aspirants were allowed to leave while the COM members stayed to discuss all that had transpired on behalf of the full COM. We were told to expect a phone call sometime this weekend or early this week to let us know where we stand; which is good because there was some speculation that we might have to wait two weeks until the full COM met!

It was a long morning but I was grateful I had my discernment rock! I found it to be particularly comforting while meeting with the members of the COM. I plan to lay it at the foot of the cross one day this week at Church. I do ask for your prayers this weekend/week as I await word from the COM.

My Discernment Rock

At the start of Lent the Rector of our church put out a basket of stones in the Narthex and encouraged us to take one and carry it around with us during Lent-the idea being that on Good Friday you come and lay your stone at the foot of the cross. I didn't think too much of it at the time, and so I didn't get a stone or think about the stones until last Sunday. See where I'm going with this don't you?

I arrived early for my first discernment committee meeting and since no one else was there I was sort of meandering about in the Narthex waiting for others to arrive. I came across the basket of stones and looking through them pulled out one that fit into the palm of my hand but not quite comfortably since its sort of triangular in shape. I hadn't planned on keeping it, put I never got around to putting it back.

All through the meeting I clung to that stone. I didn't really think terribly much about it per se it just was there and I like to think it was absorbing all of my worries and fears and thoughts and prayers. I got into the car to head home and realized that I still had the stone in my hand. And so it became my Lenten rock.

This morning I was going to bring it with me to church, but I decided to bring my new Prayer Beads instead so I could get them blessed. And in that moment of deciding not to bring my rock with me, it became my discernment rock. I have decided that I will bring it with me to every meeting, gathering, service, grouping, etc I attend concerning my discernment. And then either on Good Friday or Holy Saturday before the service, I will take my discernment rock filled with all of my discernment worries, fears, hopes, prayers, concerns, and feelings and I will lay it down before the cross. I will in a way lay my discernment at Christ's feet. I pray He will bring it to God on my behalf.

But Rosaries Are Catholic...

I have always been curious about the history of the rosary (why are Catholics so attached to them? and why are Catholics the only ones who use them?) but it wasn't until I stumbled across a brief discussion on them in a book I'm reading-My Faith, My Life: A Teen's Guide to the Episcopal Church-that I really learned anything about them. Turns out there is a vast and diverse history behind the rosary, which is also referred to as Prayer Beads.

Prayer Beads can trace their history to Hinduism where they are called Mala and consist of 108 beads used to count prayers. From Hinduism the practice transferred over to Buddhism, where they have a variety of names depending on the culture but generally keep to the 108 beads used by Hindus. Naturally, the practice caught on in Islam, where they are called Misbaha and contain either 99 beads to be cycled through once or 33 beads to be cycled through thrice. Finally Prayer Beads found their way into Christianity.

In the Sixteenth Century, Pope Pius V pronounced that what we know as the Catholic Rosary is credited to Saint Dominic who also founded the Dominican Order. The Catholic Rosary consists of either 5 or 15 decades meaning the beads are grouped in tens with a bead in between each grouping. They are used by saying a Hail Mary Prayer for each of the ten beads and an Our Father prayer is said for each of the beads in between groupings while simultaneously meditating on one of the 20 mysteries. For further clarification check out Wikipedia.

In the mid-1980s Anglicans decided they wanted to join in on the fun. Thus Anglican Prayer Beads were born. They consist of 33 beads and are organized as follows: After the cross is a larger bead called the Invitatory Bead, which is followed by the first of four Cruciform Beads, which is followed by 7 Week Beads, another Cruciform Bead, 7 Week Beads, Cruciform Bead, 7 Week Beads, final Cruciform Bead, and the final 7 Week Beads. There is no right or wrong way to pray using Anglican Prayer Beads which allowed for them to be adopted by many other religious sects including Lutherans, Baptists, Methodists, and others.

After learning all of this I decided I wanted to try creating my own Anglican Rosary, something that would be uniquely mine that I could use for prayer in my own way. So I went to a bead store; then left the expensive bizarre bead store and went to Joann's. I found all of the materials I needed for $10! I went home and a little more than an hour later I had my own Anglican Rosary. I will keep you posted on whether or not it is beneficial to me or not, but in the mean time here is a photo.

Discernment Committee

I had my first official meeting with my discernment committee last night. It was an eye opener in some ways. They asked a lot of questions and I sort of rambled on about my life and my experiences and where I see myself going. To be honest I didn't know what to expect of the people who were on the committee, but I sort of knew what was going to be expected of them.....which I know doesn't really make very much sense. Mostly its that I knew what was going to happen but I didn't know how it was going to play out. They ask me a wide variety of open ended questions and I just sort of sit there and yammer on trying to answer as best I can. I call them my sounding board, because at times its like they are an extension of me really. They asked me questions that other people have asked me before of course, but they also asked me questions and got me to talk about the things that I've been avoiding asking myself. Not wanting to break the confidentiality I won't go into details but, they got me to think about what is driving my desire to attend VTS in the Fall, and what is behind my interest in becoming a priest specifically rather than just working in Christian Formation. I did cry but that could have been for a number of reasons - the biggest one being that I was running on about 10 hours of sleep since I had just gotten home yesterday afternoon from the Senior High Nightwatch Weekend in New York City - but it was also because I was forced to address some of the fears I have about becoming a priest. I think there is a very good reason why I have such a connection with the story of Moses. During this process in conversations I have had with God I find myself thinking some of the things that Moses did when he was faced with the burning bush. Am I really the right person for the job? Can I do what God wants me to do? Logically I know that God would never ask me to do anything I couldn't do on my own or with His help/guidance, but darn it if it isn't scary as all hell! We are meeting again next Sunday to continue the conversation, and this time I hope to have a few extra hours of sleep under my belt.

The Catechumenate

When I first received the e-mail from VTS informing me that they were offering a “class” specifically for visitors to sit in on, I got very excited. Then I saw the title. Then I went on Wikipedia, because I did not for the life of me know what the Catechumenate was (or for that matter how to pronounce it)! Maybe that makes me a poor excuse for a Christian, I like to think it makes me no more educated about the technical terms that most. According to the syllabus we received “understood well, the catechumenate prepares people for baptism and baptismal living while providing an opportunity for the renewal of congregational mission.” To me this means that every Episcopalian should at some point in their Christian Formation Education learn about the catechumenate. Seeing as I know nothing, the “class” I had was a real eye-opener.

First we took a quiz designed to show us the roles that clubs and communities play in our lives. It consisted of basic yes and no questions revolving around life experiences. “Do you remember your baptism?” “Were you ever initiated into a sorority or fraternity?” “Did you have a secret handshake or club with friends as a child?” “Have you ever had to make a decision about circumcision?” “Were you raised in the Episcopal Church?” There were 15 questions asked and then we proceeded to discuss some of them based on how others answered. The catechumenate is a sort of community/club/secret handshake that only Christians know about. There are rights of initiation and it is a lifelong process.

As we discussed these various experiences we reflected on many of the timeless debates that occur within the Episcopal Church. I found these to be even more fascinating, because these debates have existed for centuries and we still have not come to find the “right answer.” Should we look at baptism and communion as going “through the table to the font?” or as coming “to the table through the font?” Is communion therefore exclusive or expulsive? The example given was that by only allowing baptized Christians to receive communion that makes it exclusive, versus when Jesus was baptized he was immediately expelled into the wilderness for 40 days of solitude.

I thought it was important to note that Catholic rights have transformed Episcopal thinking. Much of what we have decided to do was done because we disagreed with or were opposed to what the Catholics were doing at the time. The importance of baptism, the issue of re-baptism and confirmation, the Hierarchy of the Church, and Original Sin; just to name a few examples. We also discussed the Four Part Process of Catechesis, which really to me is only 3 parts but that’s neither here nor there. The first three parts consist of two basic principles: Entrance into the Catechumenal Process, and Teachings & Rights of Initiation. The fourth step is the Mystagogical Catechesis; which is basically referring to the fact that since the catechesis is a lifelong process the Mystagogical portion of that process is everything following initiation-what it means to be a member of the baptismal community.