Answers at Last

After months of struggling to understand what lies before me and never receiving a clear answer I woke up this morning a little before 8 am and made my way to Baltimore. Having sent in my application for the Younger Vocations Discernment (YVD) process just under a month ago, there was finally some light leaking into the end of my tunnel. I arrived at the Cathedral of the Incarnation just before 10 am. My destination? A meeting with the Bishop of Maryland and other potential YVD applicants. I was excited and terrified with no idea what to expect. There were seven of us in the conference room awaiting the Bishop's arrival in awkward silence. We numbered three girls and two boys (myself included) waiting with two women seemingly in charge of the process.

He strolled into the conference room and after greetings, led us in prayer. We went around the room and shared our experiences that led us to be sitting in that room. And as I sat listening to the stories, I begin to recognize a pattern of sorts. Disregarding minor details, everything that everyone in that room said sounded almost the same. We all started out looking for one thing and found ourselves being called somewhere else by God-to the Church. It was a revelation for me in a way. I have spent months listening to Priests telling their stories of hearing God's call and feeling a connection to what they were saying, but nothing every really struck me like hearing the experiences coming from my peers. It was a sort of validation that I'm not alone in this process and in these feelings and struggles.

After hearing from us the Bishop took over and talked about what it means to truly be called to Priesthood and leadership in the Church. He spoke about the Parishes of the Episcopal church being a frontline for growing the Episcopal Church as a whole. In addition he discussed the changes he foresees as necessary for Priests. He feels that we must continue moving towards Priests who are both Priests as their vocation and who have a steady job providing an income; much the way it is right now for Deacons.

Then he talked about the call. He said there is one call you hear but you should look at it in four ways.

1. The Baptismal or General Call
• This call is based on the Baptismal Covenant we recite at Baptisms and is found in the BCP.
• This is something that you can hear over and over but never truly hear until you realize that you are being called to action. Meaning that you come to recognize that through the Baptismal Covenant we are all called to some form of ministry in the Church just not all called to the Priesthood or Diaconate.
2. The Inner Call
• This call is the one that you hear calling you to a particular ministry such as Priesthood or Diaconate.
• This call is necessary but no sufficient enough for the person to just go to seminary and become a Priest or Deacon based solely on the Inner Calling.
3. The Providential Call
• This is where the gifts and talents come into play.
• Do you have the leadership skills to be a Priest or Deacon? Do you have the people skills, the administrative skills, the love of reading and writing, the ability to articulate yourself, etc?
4. The Ecclesiastical Call
• This final call is a form of validation.
• It comes from your peers, an established group such as a parish, and the Bishop.
• All those in support of you lifting you up to move forward and become a Priest or Deacon.

After he finished talking, he left us to learn about the process for which we are the guinea pigs. They want the process to be a discernment that allows for undergraduate students to move from their undergrad directly into seminary. Meaning that I could be going to seminary in the Fall of 2011. But first an explanation.

The way they want it to go is this. We begin by doing two things. First we get people from our parishes to send in letters of recommendation to start building our discernment files. These letters detail our leadership skills, involvement in the church, and give stories and examples to help paint a picture of who we are. Then working with a Rector or Chaplain-as applicable-we form a committee of 6-8 people who's job it is to help us discern if we are ready for seminary in the fall. Four of us will be doing exactly this. The one young lady is a junior at her university and will therefore probably spend more time discerning when she is ready to move forward.

Upon application and acceptance into a seminary, we will spend the first year discerning if we are moving in the right direction and then discerning if we wish to apply for postulancy. This is a big change from the current system-not that the previous information I gave isn't-in that just because we are going to seminary doesn't mean we have a guarantee. We must apply for postulancy and if we are accepted as postulants then we shift from the Master of Theology program to the Master of Divinity Program (if applicable-I say this because it is possible that some seminaries won't accept us into the Master of Divinity Program without us being postulants first but will allow us to enter as Master of Theology students and make the switch once we become postulants.

It is such a major overhaul of the current system, however it really does make sense. They encouraged us to start looking into seminaries, although must of us already had begun to do so. I myself have to find a way to visit the other seminary I am considering Virginia Theological Seminary. But as this post is long enough I will conclude by asking an interesting question the Bishop posed to us. Why are you a Christian?

Breakthrough

They say that patience is a virtue. It is one that I have certainly spent many years learning and practicing. Today I finally see the meaning behind the need for patience. Almost 10 months after hearing (and listening to) God's call for me to begin this journey, my patience has yielded fruit.

I received an e-mail this morning informing me that someone had given someone else my name as an interested applicant for the Younger Vocations Discernment Program. She said that if I was still interested all I had to do was fill out the attached application and mail it in.

In that moment of opening the application I could hear God saying to me "See. I told you it was really meant to be. I told you I hadn't left you hanging on a cliff you couldn't climb back up from. I told you your patience would be rewarded." As I read through the application I began to laugh. The sheer joy of finally seeing in words exactly what I was trying to find made me a little giddy!

And then I read the end of the application. It asks that you submit a sort of spiritual autobiography. "The first part should include some history of your spiritual journey-where you went to church, significant experiences of God either in church or out, and ways that you participated in the life of the community as you were learning about God. The second part should talk about where you are right now-where do you worship? What kind of studies/activities are you participating in that nurture your relationship with God? In the final part of the autobiography we would like to hear about where are you going.  This section is about articulating a call to next steps for you.  It isn’t about a complete outline of what you want to do, more about the way in which you feel God calling you to explore your vocation."

And as I read I began to cry. Here it was. My feelings vindicated. It was the last sentence that really spoke to me. It personified for me my entire experience and how I had come to begin this seemingly endless journey. "We often begin to experience a call to vocation when we notice how life giving or enjoyable certain activities are, or when we feel an ache for something more and can’t quite name it."

And on that note I will conclude this post. I have to compile my spiritual autobiography so I can continue moving forward on my journey with God.

A Movie That Promotes an Argument

I watched a fascinating movie last night called “One Night with the King” about a Jewish woman named Hadassah who risks her life to save her people. Don’t know who she is? Well unless you are extremely familiar with and educated about the Bible I don’t suppose you would. I didn’t until I came across the other name she is known by: Esther Queen of Persia.

I think that what I found most fascinating was the fact that while I knew about the story of Queen Esther, I don’t think I’d ever stopped to take the time to understand the story. There are so few stories in the Bible that define women as vessels for God’s work. There are the obvious ones: Eve, Mary, Ruth, Esther, Elisabeth, Sarah, and Mary Magdalene. And then there are the often forgotten or lesser known ones: Rachel, Leah, Martha, Miriam, Naomi, Rebekah, Hagar, and Zipporah to name a few. Some are less known because they don’t have the lead role, others are somewhat forgotten because they are supporting characters or mentioned in passing. Hadassah (Esther) has a big thing going for her though, in that she at least has her own Book in the Bible. Can’t too many people miss that one.

To my point! I find it deeply inspiring that God chose a woman to do his work in Persia. And it wasn’t simply an “I will do as you ask” kind of thing. She had a period of time where, like Jesus, she begged God to find another way to do what needed to be done. To find another vessel that didn’t require her sacrifice. If there was ever any proof in the Bible that women, Christ, and humanity are all connected it would be through Queen Esther. It is yet another example of the fact that God does not expect us to simply stand and say “Yes master, we will do as you command,” but I feel He would rather see us fight a little.

As counter intuitive as fighting with God may seem, I believe it to be a fundamental part of whom and what we are. Human; and God gave us free will. How can he expect us to truly follow Him with all our hearts and all our minds and all our souls if we don’t do so freely and with a little struggle? I personally believe that every healthy relationship requires a little give and take, rather then one blindly following the other. Why should our relationship with God be any different? Sure He’s God, but that doesn’t mean anything unless we choose to follow Him.

I’m not saying that we should spend our lives arguing over every little detail of our existence with God, but when it comes to the big decisions a little debate is necessary. Not just for our sake, but for His as well. I don’t think God set out to create a world full of mindless drones. If that’s what He wanted we would live in constant fear for our lives, and no one would question His existence. I think that rather God wishes for us to look to Him for guidance in our lives the way a child looks to their parents before crossing the street. We can choose to strike out on our own, but in the end we must overcome our pride, selfishness, and stubbornness, and accept the fact that God can be the road map and directions we never thought to stop for.

Another Update

So far nothing has come forth about moving forward in the process with the diocese. Which is frustrating at best. In the mean time I've managed to get my hands into just about every pie I come across at my new parish.

In addition to being on the S'MORES Committee, I'm also a chalice, a lector, I volunteer in the Nursery, I'm teaching Sunday School to the Junior High, and I'm starting the Youth Group. I find most of what I'm doing is fulfilling for the time being. Its not that I want to be more involved in other things per se just simply that I wished to be involved in a different way. Which I suppose is a good thing in that hopefully I'm still on the right path. God and I are still debating that one some days.

The Junior High kids can be exhausting but I've really come to love working with them and attempting to help them gain some knowledge from me. Some Sundays I feel like I've done nothing but have them read the Gospel reading for that Sunday-not for lack of trying-and other Sundays I feel as if I've imparted some wisdom that will grow their faith just a little. What's really bizarre, is when what I say is reiterated in some way by what is said in that day's sermon. God truly works in small and mysterious ways.

The Youth Group is slow growing. The kids all seem excited about it, but the struggle lies in scheduling conflicts with the older ones. I know the Middle Schoolers because I teach them, but the High Schoolers and I haven't connected yet. Which is hard cause I don't want to force myself on them, at the same time that I really would love to get to know them just a little. Only time will tell I suppose. That and a little prayer might help.

I will try to keep you updated as I go. Its slow going, but I hope things pick up soon.

Brief Update

First off, sorry for the lack of posts recently....if anyone is reading this that is.....I've been very busy with work and there haven't been any new developments. Its been frustrating and rather then repeatedly saying so hear I just decided to take some time and pray for patience. It worked, sort of. I received an email from the Rector at the church I've settled at talking about the new program they've established for young adults 20-24. It said to fill out the linked application and mail it to the Diocese with Rector signature. I planned to do so first thing the next day, until I received a second email. The Rector had forwarded a correction they made to the previous day's announcement. It basically said scratch that about the young adult program, we'll let you know when and how to apply. The process is supposed to start next month. This is promising. As my Rector said in her email "Kinda makes you wonder."

Parish Camp Out

Saturday we had the Parish Camp Out. My father, sister and I attended since my mother had to work. We got there a little after 3 pm and a few people had arrived to put up tents. as we had no tent and no real interest in spending the night, we immediately went to work on grounds beautification.

This involved pulling weeds from around the trees and the outdoor altar, then tilling the soil and spreading out new mulch. By the time we finished more people had started to arrive. As they were arriving they were sort of placing food they brought here and there and then going off to do whatever. Since no one else seemed to really be in charge of the food that was fast becoming an unorganized pile, I decided to step up and take some initiative.

I quickly became the uncontested "food lady" if you will. People were asking where to put things, etc. When it came time to prepare to serve the food, someone came up to me and asked what I wanted to do. It was surprising at first to have so many people, most of which I didn't know very well, just sort of following along and asking me what to do. But my surprise was quickly overpowered by a sense of calm and purpose. It felt right and natural.

Interestingly enough, just the other day the Rector said that "to be a leader its important to have followers. If you look behind you and no one is following then you aren't a leader." I guess I really am becoming a leader at this church. And it feels great.

Below is a photo of the outdoor altar.

Anubis

I'm currently reading "The Red Pyramid" by Rick Riordan (author of the Percy Jackson series). It follows the adventures of a brother and sister as they discover that the Egyptian gods and goddesses are not myths and walk among us (I promise not to reveal any plot points that might ruin it for those who will read this book after reading this post/or are already planning on reading it/are in the process of reading it like me). Now I obviously don't believe in the Egyptian gods, but ever since I was a child I have found mythology of all kinds extremely fascinating; and as it so happens Mr. Riordan writes compelling stories involving mythology.

As the brother and sister travel along there is a passage that stands out to me. It takes place while they are visiting the Hall of Judgement. Anubis, who is a god (one of the more familiar ones, as he usually is half man half jackal) and the Lord of Funerals, is talking about the Feather of Truth. He says:

"The truth is harsh...Spirits come to the Hall of Judgement all the time, and they cannot let go of their lies. They deny their faults, their true feelings, their mistakes...right up until Ammit (a monster) devours their souls for eternity. It takes strength and courage to admit the truth."

This passage resonated with me more than anything, and left me pondering some questions I will now pose you.

When we die and the day arrives for God to pass judgement on our souls, can we tell the truth about our life? Can we admit our faults? Can we recognize our mistakes? If we can not, are we prepared to face eternal damnation for our stubbornness and pride?

The Bible tells us that we must seek God's forgiveness. But is that enough? Shouldn't we also seek to forgive ourselves. In that forgiving I believe we can come to accept ourselves, in accepting we know ourselves, and can tell the truth about everything.

The Apocrypha

So I recently learned that there are some Bibles that come with what is called an Apocrypha (you can also simply buy something called an Apocrypha). The most well known Book in the Apocrypha is the Book of Tobit, because there are five verses drawn from the eighth chapter used most often at weddings. My Uncle read it at my cousin's wedding, and while he, my grandfather, and my mother searched to find the passage he wanted to read in the Apocrypha I began to wonder.

Who decided what books should be included in the Bible we read and what books wouldn't? What made the chosen books more the word of God then the rest? Were the stories more memorable? Did people connect to the lessons more intensely? Why is part of God's word in most Bibles, and the rest in a special addendum that most people don't know exists much less read?

If you think about it, what stopped us from doing the same thing to everything that God said? Moses receives the 10 commandments but decides that he doesn't like 3, 6, and 9 so he leaves them separated and only a select number of people ever learn about them. Suddenly because not everyone knows about it, we are allowed to take the Lord's name in vain, murder people, and bear false witness against our neighbors. Its okay for the masses because those commandments were set aside, and so those who don't know about them therefore can not be breaking them. Last time I checked a lie of omission was still a lie, and not knowing that something was illegal didn't mean that you could do it legally.

Why are we not teaching our children about these books in Sunday School or Bible Camp? Why are there not Bible studies for grown ups that talk about the Apocrypha Books? I guess someone decided that we should read only what we are given and not seek more. I think that means we end up missing out on some of God's stories. We are missing some of the pieces of the puzzle. How can we claim to know God when most of us aren't aware that we haven't heard all the story, that some of the chapters were torn out? Aren't you curious about the lives of Adam and Eve outside of the stories in Genesis? Sometimes I hear a passage of scripture and think "there has to be more to it." And here it is:

Books of the Apocrypha
1 Esdras (Vulgate 3 Esdras)
2 Esdras (Vulgate 4 Esdras)
Tobit
Judith
Rest of Esther (Vulgate Esther 10:4-16:24)
Wisdom
Ecclesiasticus (also known as Sirach)
Baruch and the Epistle of Jeremy (both part of Vulgate Baruch)
Song of the Three Children (Vulgate Daniel 3:24-90)
Story of Susanna (Vulgate Daniel 13)
The Idol Bel and the Dragon (Vulgate Daniel 14)
Prayer of Manasses
1 Maccabees
2 Maccabees

On Weddings and Marriage

My cousin got married yesterday. My grandfather-a retired Episcopal priest-officiated. It was a beautiful ceremony that evoked two feelings in me at the same time. First I hope that he will be able to do the same for me someday soon. Second, I want to be able to do the same for my children/grandchildren some day.

He told us a funny story over lunch the day before the wedding. “Marring two people,” he said, “is serious business and not for everyone.” He then launched into a story about someone he knows who became a judge and was really excited to be able to marry people. She performed her first marriage and the next time they talked she informed him that it was not for her. I believe she told him it was a job best left to priests.

The coming together of two people in holy matrimony-regardless of gender, sexual orientation, religion, race, or cultural beliefs-is a heavy commitment, not for the faint of heart. With the divorce rate rising and the blessed growth in countries and states marrying same sex couples, it leads one to wonder about the responsibility that the priest undertakes in bringing two people together forever before God.

I’d like to think that I could go out tomorrow and start marrying people if I had the credentials. But listening to my 81 year-old Grandfather talk about it and utilizing the intelligence that four-and-a-half years of college has given me, I know that I would be unprepared for the responsibility. I may not know much about the process other than what I’ve witnessed and I certainly know next to nothing about what is required on the clerical side, but I’ve surmised that the responsibilities on both sides of the coin are great.

Just as Jesus did not lightly turn water into wine at the wedding in Cana, I feel confident that priests don’t perform matrimonial ceremonies lightly. For starters I believe that the priest should have some familiarity of the couple, either because they attend church or because they attend counseling. How can you bring two people together before God that you don’t know? It is my understanding that just as the attendees are asked “Will all of you witnessing these promises do all in your power to uphold these two persons in their marriage?” so too does the officiate bear some support for the couple they bring together before God.

It is a support that no one else can provide, the support of a Priest towards a newlywed-or long time wed for that matter-couple. The Priest becomes the couple’s defining connection to each other through God (if that makes sense). It is the Priest’s responsibility to support the couple as they seek to grow together in God’s image, as they look to follow the path God has for them, as they seek to raise children faithfully, etc. That Priest becomes a constant reminder of the vows that they made to each other before God, when times are difficult and even when times are favorable. Forever after the ceremony has ended, that Priest remains a symbol of God and commitment for that couple. An intense responsibility don’t you think?

Sewanee: School of Theology at University of the South

So while in Tennessee yesterday, my family and I visited the University of the South which is located in Sewanee and home to a prominent School of Theology.

This particular school has a special place in my heart, because its where my Grandfather went to seminary, and my grandmother along with my step-grandfather founded EFM there in addition to him teaching there. And so it connects me back to the circle that drew me into seeking to become a priest in the first place.

The campus is beautiful and secluded on a mountain plateau in Tennessee. "The School of Theology at the University of the South was founded in 1878. Originally it was known as "St. Luke's" because it was housed in St. Luke's Hall, which was given by Charlotte Morris Manigault to the University specifically for a School of Theology. Following the merger of the Sewanee Military Academy with the St. Andrew's School, located a few miles from UTS, in 1981, the School of Theology moved to the former SMA campus. Because this new location was a mile away from St. Luke's Chapel (west of the UTS campus proper), seminarians worshiped in a converted classroom until a new chapel was constructed adjacent to the school in 2000."

"The School of Theology is one of the eleven seminaries officially connected with the Episcopal Church. Further, it is the only one located within the Southeastern U.S. proper, the only other Southern seminaries being located at geographical fringes of the region, Virginia Theological Seminary near Washington, D.C. and the Episcopal Theological Seminary of the Southwest in Austin, Texas. Historically, its position within Anglicanism is generally considered to fall within the parameters of the High Church tradition, whereas Virginia was seen as the seminary in the Low Church tradition."

The University has the feel of an older school like Yale or Harvard, since most of the buildings have been around for so long-although I've never been to either I've seen pictures, watched Gilmore Girls, and know someone who recently went to Yale-and you get the feeling that the campus is simply brimming with traditions mixed with the new technologies.

I truly enjoyed the brief time I spent on campus. The pictures included are: (above) All Saints' Chapel (below) the newer dining hall McClurg.

"Alma Mater, Sewanee:

My Glorious Mother ever be.
I will give my All to Thee
God Bless Thee to Eternity.

Thou canst make me worth the while
O Guide and Shelter me.
And all my life, through Storm and Strife,
My Star Thou'lt be."

My Journey to E.Y.E. 2005

Over a period of two years in high school I became very involved in the church on the diocesan, provincial, and national levels. It was a life changing experience for me, that truly helped me to see my faith clearly.

In January of 2004 I was elected to be the youth representative on the vestry at my church. I spent a year serving in that position and learning about how the church works. I was able to give my opinion on what I saw happening and how I thought it would effect the youth of our church. Then in the summer of 2004 I journeyed to Towson University (my most recent alma matter actually, funny how God works sometimes) for a four day adventure called Youth Caucus 2004. There I met the priest in charge of all diocesan youth programs and events. I had a blast and made some new friends. In December of 2004 that same priest called wondering if I would like to go to a gathering of people in Baltimore who were to be trained as peer ministers (see my previous post "History of My Faith Part 3" to learn more about that experience). I agreed with no knowledge of where that would take me.

I was trained to become a peer minister with 20 other youth my age. It was a weekend affair and we had a blast learning and hanging out together. And so I left the event with even more new friends, and a slew of new opportunities. In January of 2005 I was again contacted; this time he was requesting my presence as a peer minister for a retreat at the end of that month. I agreed and spent the weekend making more friends and expanding my understanding of faith. In February I traveled to New York City with 60 or so youth as a part of Nightwatch. We spent the night in the National Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine, wandered around NYC, and then spent another night in a smaller church in White Plains returning home on Sunday evening.

Two major events occurred in April of 2005. The first was I applied to be a Peer Minister at E.Y.E. (Episcopal Youth Event-a National Episcopal event held tri-annually for all the youth of high school age in the Episcopal Church). The second was my attendance at P.E.Y.E. (Provincial Episcopal Youth Event-a provincial event held tri-annually before E.Y.E. for all those who plan to attend E.Y.E.; it is a way for those going to E.Y.E. together to get to know each other before going basically) as a Peer Minister. The Province III event was held at Shenandoah University (beautiful place) over a weekend. We spent the weekend conversing about our faith and doing activities with one another to grow together as a family in Christ before E.Y.E. I left with even more friends from even different places and an amazing feeling that I had family all across Province III who would support me and pray for me.

In May of 2005 I went to the Diocese of Maryland Convention as a delegate. Just before I went I received a letter in the mail informing me that I had been chosen to be a Peer Minister at E.Y.E. in Kentucky. Convention was an amazing experience, because as we all sat in the room for the two days of convention I hear many opinions; and at times my heart was lifted as a youth would step up to the microphone and tell all the adults int eh room their opinion about something. The adults not only listened to what was said they were moved and motivated by what the youth had to say. By being a youth delegate for my region, I was also able to serve as a youth representative on my Regional Council. The regional council is a lot like a vestry, but the meetings were faster and focused on a wider range of things. They focused on the churches in my region, their needs-how to fulfill them-and how they could have an impact in the community and the world.

On the morning of July 23, 2005 I went to Washington Dulles Airport, boarded one of two planes that would eventually take me to Kentucky. After arriving in Kentucky I boarded a bus to Berea, where I joined about 60 other people for the start of Pre-E.Y.E. 2005. I met the peer ministers who became my family, the design team, and the music team. For the next three days we prepared for the arrival of the participants of E.Y.E. 2005. I spent nine days in Berea, and the people that I met there I am still in touch with to this day (almost 5 years later!), and I have friends spread out across the country. When you are given the opportunity to see 1500 screaming, dancing, young people and their sponsors all in the same room, celebrating Christ, you are forever changed as a person. It was astounding. The enthusiasm of all 50-something Bishops who participated (as well as the Presiding Bishop) as well as the sponsors for all the youth was extraordinary. E.Y.E. was an event I will continue to remember for the rest of my life.

Meeting to Move Forward

This afternoon I had a meeting with the Rector of St. James, to discuss St. James becoming my home parish and to discuss moving forward in the process. It was a successful meeting and I feel that I got a lot out of it.

We started with me telling her about how I came to this point in my life. Detailing all of the involvement I had over the years both at the church in Georgia where I grew up, and at the parish I was at before moving to St. James. I told her of all the little things that had sparked my interest in the process-my family connections to the church, my personal connections through my involvement, the family and friends who have encouraged me thus far and helped me to see that I am following the right path, and the conversations and arguments I've had with God over the last 5+ years about my future.

After all that had been established we talked about the process somewhat. We are both still unclear about the details, but we know for sure that I will have to be formally recommended for and apply to the discernment process in my diocese. I am working on getting all the details as soon as possible. She told me that I needed to know two things before I began. 1) that the process is a difficult one that can tear you down piece by piece leaving you to feel like there is nothing left to give even though you are being asked to give more and 2) the job opportunities are highly competitive and few and far between. Both of which are things that I have heard and been praying about for awhile. She also recommended that I read a book titled Listening Hearts by Suzanne Farnham as I move forward.

Our conversation drifted towards my future at St. James and we discussed what I could do to get involved quickly and put myself out there to get to know the congregation. Due to my significant involvement with the church during my youth, she is encouraging me to get involved with the youth at St. James. The are a small group but she sees a lot of potential. I would be working with another woman who has been teaching the youth for years, which is great. I also had already decided to become an L.E.M. and a Lector, which she said is definitely a good start. She also suggested I get involved in the Outreach programs, and perhaps even the group Smores. (Yes as in the tasty chocolatey marshmallowy campfire snack) It is a group that was started a few years ago after they completed their new building to help "rekindle the fire" and remind them why they built the building. The group works to invite the community into the church (in ways other than the nursery/preschool), does some dedicated outreach, and in general works to provide a way for the congregation to grow, impact their community, and impact each other.

She has invited me to the Vestry meeting on May 18th at 7pm to talk to them about who I am, why I'm here, and what I would like to bring to the church. This is a very important meeting as it introduces me to the parish vestry and they will need to know me in order to write a letter on my behalf to the Bishop.

In the meantime my goals are to nail down the specifics and logistics of the process, and to work at finding a spiritual mentor/leader/guide. And to continue to talk with God about what I'm feeling and where I'm heading.

History of My Faith Part 3

In all of my years of living on this planet, if I've learned one thing its to always be prepared. You never know what you'll come across during the day, when you first wake up in the morning; but all the same you have to be prepared.

We know through the Bible that Christ will come again. I interpret it a little differently than most. I believe that Christ will walk the Earth again, when the time is right, yes. In the mean time, I believe that He has "come again" many different times. He is inside each of us through the Holy Spirit. We aren't always consciously aware of it, but in many ways we know its there. Connecting us in more ways than we can imagine. The Holy Spirit is there to prepare us for that time when Christ walks this Earth again. Though, it also gives us inspiration and ways to spread God's word to all we meet along the path of life we travel every day of our existence on Earth.

As children, we're told that we should always share with the other kids. I think that still applies as we become older. We should always share all we have and all we know about God, with others. As a wise adult said to me once in Sunday School, "You may be the only Bible they will ever read." Wow. That's a lot of power to hold in our hands at any age or status. To think that talking about something you have a lot of faith in, could change a person's life entirely; its enough to make you pass out. But wait, there's help, if you know who to ask. God, the one who would never abandon us; but who will help us with all the tasks we face, if we ask Him. He will help us to say the right things; by opening our hearts to the Holy Spirit we become a vessel for God's word. At those times when we don't know just what to say, He can help.

When I was a senior in high school, I went to a peer ministry training workshop. I was there to become a Peer Minister for E.Y.E. (more on that experience another day, I promise). It was for a weekend, and it was meant to show us how to be better listeners and shoulders for leaning on. During one particular session we used a passage in the Bible about the blind beggar to help us with asking good questions. Myself and two other people were asked to represent the three major characters from the story. One became the blind beggar, one a townsperson who had rebuked the beggar, and I was asked to be Jesus Christ.

Portraying Christ in a play is one thing, but to be "interrogated" as Christ is very different. Its much like talking to someone who doesn't know about/believe in Him. You must be patient, calm, and understanding. They asked me many questions and though I feared I wouldn't know the "correct answer" or just plain how to answer, some how I managed to be perfectly calm. And the most amazing thing happened. I was answering their questions without thinking. I simply opened my mouth, and the words came out. It was almost as though I was channeling Christ. And who knows; perhaps He was simply speaking through me. Allowing for us to look at the story from many angles, really helped us to understand there are many different ways to view the world around us.

Some of you will read this and say "Who does she think she is? Nobody channels Christ! That's ridiculous." To those who say that you are forgetting one thing. Every single person who is ordained a priest is considered to be a representation of Christ for the Church. As a baker I look at flour, sugar, and other such ingredients, and see a final product. Yet unlike a cook, I look at meat and spices and that is all I see. We each envision something else when we look at things to be combines.

On Sunday mornings or whenever you go to church, when the priest/pastor holds up the communion most of us truly see Christ's flesh and blood. Granted there are those who don't see it like that, but hopefully with a little guidance from the rest of use they can if they wish. Every person has the ability to share their faith, and every time that they do, whether the person that they share it with believes or not, they are "channeling Christ". When you help a stranger to see a path; or when a priest/pastor who is unprepared, but stands before his congregation and gives a sermon everyone pays attention to. We all have the ability to seek and serve Christ, be it within ourselves or within others. After all, we are all God's children.

Step One Along My Journey to Priesthood

Psalm 23 (King James Version):
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures;
he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul;
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his Name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil;
for thou are with me;
thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
thou annointes my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.


Today I visited a new church I am considering for my home church. Its called St. James Episcopal Church, and it is one of the larger churches in my region. The reasons for my looking for a new home parish are long and complicated and too personal to list here. Suffice to say I was looking and I think I won't have to look any further than St. James.

This parish reminds me of the church I went to for 7 years from the age of 8 to 15; St. David's Episcopal Church. St. James recently relocated to a new building in order to accommodate their growing membership, and so while having been at their current location for 3 or so years they are still transitioning and growing. This is promising for me, because it means that I am hopefully not the only new face they will see. It also means there are a lot of opportunities for me to get involved.

The new building will eventually become the Parish Hall for them once they have the funds to build the new Nave. For now it houses a grand open space with high vaulted ceilings where the beams are exposed. As a newcomer to the church I found this space to be welcoming instead of intimidating. They have a couple of tables in the back of the room where they put out coffee and snacks [of course since really why else do Episcopalians go anywhere but to eat :)] and a small area off to the side with rocking chairs for mother's with babies. Everything seems to flow, you walk in and there is some division to the room but for the most part you basically are walking into the area where fellowship and worship are intertwined.

In the center of the worship space is a podium. On that podium sits a binder with seemingly blank pages. This is the binder where the members of the church (and as I learned visitors too) may go and write down names of people to pray for during the Prayers of the People. This level of involvement voluntarily from the congregation is inspiring to me. They also have a prayer that was written by the members of the Daughters of the King (chapter at that church) that is said before starting the prayers of the people.
"Prayer for our Church: Gracious God, please grant us the Spirit of Imagination to see with your eyes the possibilities and the means to get there; the Spirit of Generosity to share gifts worthy of your mission and ministry; the Spirit of Love to welcome Christ in friends and strangers. Amen."
This prayer speaks ten-fold of the acceptance this church has for all of God's children, and that gives me hope.

They have a wildly popular Nursery/Preschool that has a waiting list within the community. The Rector provides a chapel service for the kids and she says (yes she! the rector and deacon are both women!) that is why so much of the community is interested in the program. The parish also has their own t-shirts, they host an annual Parish Picnic, Crab Feast, Camp Out on Grounds, and many other activities.

The Deacon gave the sermon today, which as you can guess from above was about the Psalm of the Day, Psalm 23. A well known and quoted Psalm, Psalm 23 personifies the personal and intimate relationship we all have with God. When a group of 4 year-olds was asked if anyone could recite it a little girl raised her hand and said "The Lord is my Shepherd. That is all I need." The Deacon pointed out that there are many references to Christ as a Shepherd and to His followers as a flock of sheep. It happens to be a personal favorite of mine because of the simplicity and care it implies.

We all know that in Jesus' time shepherds were extremely common, and they lived in what we would consider today a very "green" way of life. They lived off the land, moving from place to place to find food for their herd. Often shepherds would come across one another and the herds would merge for a time to graze. At the end of the day when a shepherd called his flock they knew his voice and his call and answered him easily. Just as a shepherd knows his flock and the flock knows its shepherd, so to do Christ and God know each of us just as we know Them. God knows us all by name, not by number, and can call upon us thusly. The Deacon also pointed out that there are many things in this world that leave us hurt and scarred (depression, sickness, hateful words, etc.) but there is nothing that can harm us, because we have God and Christ as our shepherd to protect and guide us.

History of My Faith Part 2

Because of my deep involvement with the church when I was a teenager I visited a number of different churches within and outside of my diocese. I was there for many different reasons but often I was there as part of a lock-in or retreat and so I have spent many nights sleeping in various parts of various churches. One of my favorite things to do when in a church at night time (preferably "off-hours"when no one else is around) is to visit the Nave or Sanctuary of that particular church.


Some people would fear a church lit only by candle light or moon light. To them and those who've never had the privilege to see it i say, if you do have the chance it will take your breath away. It is the one thing that truly brings me to God's presence in His house. Flickering candles and moon light shadows make you feel like He is there, breathing and walking all around you. The wonder of the church truly begins to shine. The shadows on the cross give it a powerful importance. Like Christ is dancing in the candle light of His Father's house. He is happy to be with His Father, and wants for us not to be afraid; to rejoice with Him.


Only when we are safe, happy, and unafraid can God and His son be truly happy. We are all one in them and they in us; meaning they feel what we do, even if we don't feel what they do. We too can dance in our Father's house by candle or moon light. And when we do, He will know we are coming to Him to show just how much we love Him.


Love can be shown in many ways, some more effective than others. But there is one that I find works the best. Its the three simple words we often throw around like they mean basically nothing. I. Love. You. I believe that those three words make up one of the most powerful phrases in the entire English language. Together with time, those words can help to wipe away our tears filled with fear. They can give us hope and faith that someone will always love us, no matter what we may do. 


So long as when we do something bad, we're able to recognize it; and repent, asking for God's forgiveness. He will give it if you only ask. No matter when (day or night), where (school, church, or at home), or even with whom (friends, family, or even strangers); He'll turn our world upside down, giving us new meanings for everything in our life that we encounter.


God will never give us a task too small or too large. Nor will He give us an unmanageable task. His guidance and love are ever present and helpful, even when we think it unnecessary. Showing us that he does appreciate all that we are and all that we become. He loves us all the more when we sin and come to Him; or when we wish to wipe away our tears of fear, and we come to Him. The promise of returning to Eden to be with Him, is an eternal promise. All we have to do is uphold our end of the covenant. Loving Him, repenting to Him, and asking Him for cleansing help along the way. Someday we will all be beside Him, so long as we keep to the covenant. 


Its seems ridiculous to me that after all their efforts and time spent trying, that some people simply give up on God. They turn their backs believing that their way is the one and only best way. That those who help themselves, but don't hurt others, won't go to hell. Or that those who refuse to accept all of humanity as their brothers and sisters in Christ, regardless of race, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation believe they are living according to Christ's teachings. I don't know that they believe they'll go to Heaven, but they're certain they will get a reward and stay out of hell. Well, that's just childish and stupid behavior. In fact its not really even childish, because most children I know don't see the differences in others like adults do. Even if you don't think you're harming others, by helping only yourself you are doing just that. Those that need help or equality the most, aren't getting it, because you only help yourself. What would you do if you unknowingly turned down Jesus reborn? Its a big risk to take. Do you really want to be someone who takes that risk?

History of My Faith Part 1

First off, you should know that Good Friday and anything relating to Good Friday is bad for me. Bad in the sense that I take it as a very emotional and somewhat personal day; much as I take the Holocaust personally, even though I'm not Jewish just Polish. But I digress.

When I was 17, the Friday before Palm Sunday, I went to a lock-in at my church. We went around the nave and did the Stations of the Cross. I was in tears from beginning to end. We're talk big fat crocodile tears. Sometimes it was even hard for me to breathe. When we came to the station with the painting of Jesus being nailed to the cross, I had to sit down. It was interesting really, because when we started the stations I had volunteered to carry this small picture adorned cross. The entire journey I clung to that cross. After we completed the stations we split up and contemplated our thoughts and feelings. After 5 or so minutes I went up to the altar to pray with the priest who was there with us that night. I prayed about many things while I knelt there; but mostly I prayed for guidance. Guidance that I may accept Christ's crucifixion as a loving act and less as a forced one; to see Christ's love and prepare me for Easter. Thinking about it, in my many "crocodile tears" lay my fears. As I released those fears I turned to God, as we all should do, for help in wiping them away. Showing Him that I was capable of doing more than fear all that surrounded me.

We are all afraid of many things throughout our lives. As children we fear punishment from our parents; as teenagers we fear we won't be accepted by our peers and we fear falling in love with someone who will only break our hearts. As adults we fear losing or not getting a job, we fear losing our spouse forever, and we fear that our children will grow not to love but to hate. It is the culmination of these fears and our lack of faith in God that slowly pushes us away from God. Yet if we don't ask for help how can we overcome those fears? "Through God all things are made possible." Prayer and praise alone are often not enough. Sometimes it takes a little bit of repentance to make the dough rise.

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall not fear, for You are with me." A part of a well known Psalm that comes to mind. God is always with us. Though its hard sometimes to recognize and understand that, its very much the truth.

The Beginning

I decided to start this blog in hopes that it will be a way for me to stay connected to myself and my beliefs at all times during the process I'm looking to start. I also hope that it will be a way to show others what it means to me to believe in God and what its like to answer a call from God to join the priesthood, particularly what its like for a woman.


First a little background on myself. The Episcopal ministry is in my blood. I first started going to an Episcopal Church in the fourth grade. I was confirmed at the age of 16 and I’ve spent a large portion of my life deeply involved in the church, always seeking new ways to get involved and make an impact. I knew that as soon as I started giving sermons in the church I was going to be asked about ordination, but I deflected all comments with a laugh and a comment about my love of baking.

Now that I am older and there aren’t the same opportunities for me to be involved in the church, I miss being involved and making an impact. I went to college and became an RA because there was a void in my life that was no longer being filled by my involvement with the church. In my last semester of college I wasn’t an RA and that drove me back to church at the Cathedral near campus, again looking for a way to fill that void.

Don’t get me wrong, I truly loving baking things and sharing the love I put into what I make with others; however, the more I spend thinking and praying about my future the less I understand it and the more time I spend thinking about the church and being more involved in the church. At the same time I wonder if I’m being called further into the church, then why did I go to Culinary & Business School? What have I been doing for the last four years? Was that a waste of time and money? What if I decide that I want to start pursuing this path in the Church but when I graduate I still end up feeling like this isn’t where I belong either? Is that a leap of faith I just have to take? Shouldn’t I feel more trusting of God’s plans for me if the Church is really what He has planned?

It has taken me more weeks of praying and conversations with a priest at the church I was attending to learn that the void I sensed was a calling I'd been ignoring. Now I must work to follow that call to priesthood.