Internship Week of December 4th

        Sunday was my last at my internship parish. It was a great day. The congregation said a prayer for me, led by the rector; they wished me well and said they would keep me in their prayers. It was a moment when I felt the Holy Spirit at work, and knew that I was where God wanted me to be at that occasion. They were having their annual St. Nicholas Fair after the service; which was a fantastic opportunity for me to have some fellowship with the parishioners I have spent the last 12 weeks with. They all wanted to know where I was going next, what I would be doing, and hoped that I would come back to visit. I was sad because I’ve grown fond of the people I’ve met there and the experiences I’ve had were amazing. At the same time, I feel that this is the right thing; that my time here is done at least for the foreseeable future. So I found myself wondering if I would be able to come back and visit. I would like very much so to visit, but I don’t yet know if that is the appropriate thing to do. I mean that in the sense that, I’m moving forward from my internship parish. It was never intended to be a permanent place for me, but rather a place for me to grow and learn. If I were a priest at my internship parish leaving to go to another position, would returning to my former parish be possible? Not realistically. I would be involved on Sunday mornings and during the week, and sometimes a clean break is what’s best for all persons involved. These are the things that I will continue to mull over during my transition back into my home parish. I’m excited to delve into things at my home church again, and to see what my experiences can bring to my home congregation.

Internship Week of November 27th

            I had my final meeting with the rector at my internship this week. We talked about how the I think the internship went, what I learned, and where I see myself at this point. It has been an unbelievably positive experience, and she has been an amazing mentor. She fully supports where I see myself right now, and thinks it is the right decision for me.

            

            We discussed what I see myself doing when I return from my home parish, and I mentioned that I would like to do some adult education type classes. Since my home parish is so small, there really isn’t the forum for adult Christian formation like there is at my internship. I’m not going to attempt a massive overhaul, but I would like to do some things. I would like to perhaps (rector willing and congregation interested) teach a weeknight Lenten Educational program in the spring, using the book “Have a Little Faith.” If that goes well I would like to do something for Advent next year and then another Lenten Program the following spring. I hope that if parishioners enjoy the programs, they will be interested in stepping up and leading a class themselves, and we will be able to grow the adult education program that way. I learned a lot about the different ways in which to engage an adult audience from the different kinds of adult programs I attended at my internship; I’m interested to see which ones will be the most successful at my home parish.

Internship Week of November 20th

I did a lot of thinking about what’s next for me this week. After learning that I can postpone my interviews for postulancy and all related aspects until next year, I began to pray in earnest about whether this is the right decision for me. I won't have to repeat DOV provided that I pay the DOV fee-which is very doable-and submit a letter to the COM in lieu of the postulancy application. I think this works better for me for several reasons. The first being that coming to this decision has given me a sense of calm, rightness, that this is what I need to do. I have been rather stressed over the financial issue, and it has consumed my energy and focus when I should have been able to focus on my experiences at St. John's. It also means I haven't prepared for applying to seminary in the spring the way that I would like to (taken GREs, looked at scholarships, etc.). It will allow for less pressure put on others, because I should be able to pay the remaining fee by next year. This means I don't have to place the burden on others who don't need that kind of burden at this time of year. I feel that the less debt I have going into seminary, the better. It also means we have over a year to find a permanent way to fill the void it seems I will leave at my home parish.

            I also want to spend the time discerning how to better articulate why I need to be ordained in order to perform my ministry for Christ. I feel I will be better prepared for postulancy interviews if I take this route. I want to focus my time on discerning ordained versus lay ministry, so that when I sit before the COM and the Bishop I can clearly express where I see God calling me and why. While I am not eager for the span of time I will spend seemingly "in limbo" I believe this is what God wants me to do right now. There is a lot of peace I get from this decision, which makes me believe it is the appropriate one.

Internship Week of November 13th

I attended a very enlightening Adult Education Class Monday night; where the discussion was based on “Einstein’s God” by Krista Tippett, and centered on religion versus science. Throughout history, religion and science have been at opposing ends of many debates. We spent over an hour discussing various themes from the book and the influences of society on religion and science over the years. Then before we left, the Rector gave us a task. She encouraged us all to find our favorite Bible Stories from childhood, reread them, and consider some or all of the following questions: What did the story say to the people who first heard it? Who’s missing? How would we tell it differently today? Why is it where it is in the Bible? What if…..?

            As a child I loved the story of Ruth; mostly because that’s my middle name, but also because hers is a story that we don’t hear often on Sunday mornings. I think that this story was one that many people could understand when they first heard it. It is rich in the traditions of Israel, and don’t sound farfetched in the way that some of the other stories do at times. It speaks to courage, loyalty, traditions, faith, love, kindness, support, honor, and the strength of family. It took all of those traits for Ruth to go with Naomi back to Bethlehem. I think that is the part of the story that would have been the most surprising at the time. She had no guaranteed future with her mother-in-law, no marriage prospects; she was going to a place where she was considered an outsider, why would she go? She went for love; she had made a family with her husband and mother-in-law, and rather then going back and starting over she chose to stay with her family. It was that love and family loyalty that God blessed with a child to Ruth and Boaz.

            This is a tough story to translate to modern times. Many of the traditions mentioned in the story, people are unfamiliar with. The values to be learned are easy enough to take away, despite the time period difference. Love and respect for your family is important, because they will remain loyal to you and support you in times of despair and struggle. Perhaps just simplifying the story would be enough to modernize it. Ruth stubbornly chooses to go with her mother-in-law to another country after her husband dies, there she unknowingly gets a job working for a close family relative, he takes her under his wing and ensures that she and her mother-in-law are taken care of, they fall in love and get married, she bares them a son. Perhaps still a little fantasized, but the story still retains the values important to it.

            We could also ask ourselves, what if Ruth had chosen not to go? What if Orpah had refused to return to her family as well? What if the next-of-kin hadn’t been willing to relinquish his claim? What if Ruth had gone to a different man’s field? There are so many points in this story where a different action could have totally altered the outcome. How often in our own lives have we chosen between two things, and then looked back years later and wondered what if? It shows us that God’s guidance in our lives is almost always something we can’t see without hindsight.

Internship Week of November 6th

           I had another meeting with the rector this week. She gave me some very positive feedback about preaching, and made some suggestions about what else I should consider doing before my internship is over. We talked about all the aspects of Parish Life at St. John’s that I had experienced thus far, and I gave her some feedback of my own. We ended up discussing two big things.

            The first was the struggles that St. John’s is having with youth involvement. The parish is growing, and this means that more families with children are attending Sunday services. The problem stems from a lack of Sunday School teachers, no one who is willing to work to build the youth group, and the fact that many of the older kids live at/attend services at the local Episcopal Boarding school. I started thinking about what I would do if I were the Youth Minister at St. John’s; and I shared my thoughts with the rector who agreed with me. I think a good place to start is with the younger children. They need to build a strong Sunday School program; recruiting more teachers, and dividing the children up into closer-aged groups. Then, I would focus on the Middle School aged children for forming a youth group. Their schedules tend to be a little lighter and I’ve seen more of them at church. I would work to build the group so that the younger children have something to look forward to, and so that as they get older they have more of a reason to stay involved. It certainly wouldn’t be something that happened overnight; and it might be years before more than 5 or 6 kids were involved regularly. However, I think that it’s something that St. John’s really needs in order to continue growing.

            The other big thing we discussed was my return to my home parish. I’ve heard some of what’s been happening while I’ve been gone, and it leaves me with mixed feelings. On the one hand I’m sad to be leaving St. John’s, but excited to go back to St. James’. I’ve enjoyed my time here, but I know that it’s time for me to go back to my home parish. On the other hand, I almost feel that my home parish doesn’t need me anymore. Someone else took over teaching Sunday School, the parents have been working to keep the youth group alive, life has carried on. It makes sense, I didn’t expect everything to just stop when I left, but it’s a weird experience; and I feel an important one for me to have. As a priest, I could find myself in a similar situation after leaving one parish to go to a new one. Recognizing, understanding, and handling this feeling are significant things to learn.

Internship Week of October 30th

I started a new job as a substitute teacher this week, and spent most of my time in Elementary Schools. I was with Kindergartners more than any other grade it seemed like, and I noticed something. While shy at first, they are happy to tell you all sorts of things about themselves with you, given the opportunity. It’s been a long time since I was around so much constant joy and excitement. It was refreshing as much as it was exhausting.

            I also saw the love of Christ in each of those small human beings. They are so simple; when happy they laugh, when sad they cry, and when they can they give lots of hugs and tell you “I love you.” How wonderfully amazing would the world be if everyone loved the way 5 year-olds do? They look at everyone they see and smile, without needing a reason or expecting anything in return. I had a kindergartner I didn’t know see me standing in the gym, walk up to me, and give me a hug; just because I smiled at her when she walked in. If that isn’t God’s love in the world around me, I don’t know what is.

            These kindergartners also expressed affection for one another. If one wasn’t feeling well, another spoke up and offered to take them to the nurse. If someone was sad, they tried to comfort him or her. They liked to hold hands walking in the hallways, and fought to be able to hold my hands too. There is so much love God has put into us, but I think we forget that it’s ok to share it with one another. We forget that we are all members of One Body in Christ Jesus, and that to love one another is to love Christ.

Sermon

I preached at both services this morning. I did pretty well, I was very nervous at the early service and went too fast. I felt I did better at the later service, though still a little too fast. I am posting it below, it is based on the Gospel of Matthew 23: 1-12.

This morning’s Gospel is a well-known, oft repeated story. We hear from a very young age “Do as I say, not as I do” which can be very confusing if you truly watch what others are saying and doing. Parents, teachers, and politicians love this phrase because it gives them a loophole, and as with much of life we are always looking for loopholes. We often take for granted the fact that others may look up to us as role models. As Christians it can be hard to live our lives according to the Gospel. There is a saying I heard “Preach the Gospel always, and if necessary use words.” What we do is almost always what people will remember about us.

We all know that one person, whether it is a coworker or friend or family member, who likes to tell others to do things, but never actually does anything themselves. They leave the work to others, often making excuses that seem barely believable; we may even be guilty of it ourselves at times. It certainly would have been easy for Jesus to perform a miracle or two and then step back and let someone else do all the “dirty work.” If that were all we needed from Christ, then walking on water and then turning water into wine would have sufficed. We know that to be false. We needed to hear what He had to say, we needed to see Him working with the poor and the outcasts, we needed Him to die on a cross to show us God’s saving grace.

I think that the scribes and the Pharisees were the religious celebrities of Jesus’ time. They were in positions of power and their behavior was not considered unusual. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure there were exceptions just as there are exceptions with celebrities today; but in general much of what they did was about seeing and being seen. Who gets the best seat at the banquets? In the synagogues? Who’s recognized when they go out in the marketplaces? What “good deeds” can they do that people will see and applaud?

We all like to be recognized for our accomplishments and the things we do for others. Praise is a slippery slope. Are we receiving the praise because we truly deserve it, or because it’s what’s expected? Do we do certain things because we know others will take notice and acknowledge our good works? Or do we do them because we feel that is what Christ is calling us to do with the talents God gave us? Are we seeking our five minutes of fame by going to Haiti to help the victims of a natural disaster, or are we going to seek and serve Christ in others?

Was Christ putting on a show for others when He went to Zacchaeus’ house for dinner? No, He was criticized and reprimanded, but He did it anyways. Jesus was rebellious in so many ways that we seem to have forgotten. He accepted water from a Samaritan woman at the well, He healed ten lepers though only one was grateful, and He was outraged when He found a temple filled with merchants selling their wares! And He didn’t worry about His reputation, when living His life according to God’s will. He offended others just as much as He healed them; but it was necessary.

It is important for us to hear that we are not God. God is God, and we are God’s children; that no matter how many times we try to play God with our own lives or with the lives of others, we will not succeed. All things happen because God’s Holy Spirit works within and through and among us. We can certainly plan for things to happen, as we are unlikely to wake up in the morning and say “I’m not doing anything today unless God says to me that I should do it.” I certainly don’t have God on speed-dial, I know some people think they do, but I don’t and so I can’t even begin to guess what God is saying I should do everyday.

At the same time, it is equally important for us to recognize that we are not perfect. We all make mistakes; we all do things to get attention rather than because we should do them for others. The important thing is knowing that when we ask, God will forgive us. Christ died for our sins. He made the ultimate sacrifice so that when we screw up, and we always do, we can seek God’s forgiveness. It is God’s opinion that matters in the end. When we die and the day arrives for God to pass judgment on us, can we tell the truth about our life? Can we admit our faults? Can we recognize our mistakes? If we cannot, are we prepared to face eternal damnation for our stubbornness and pride? These are the questions we should be asking ourselves, when we hear the phrase “Do as I say, not as I do.”

Internship Week of October 23rd

I attended another meeting of the Stephen's Ministry this week, as well as a meeting of the Vestry, and I had a meeting with my discernment committee. All three were positive experiences, but the bulk of my week has been rather single-minded.

Much of my spare time this week has been focused on my nerves. I’m preaching on Sunday and I’m equal parts terrified and excited. The rector at my internship is an amazing preacher so I know I have big shoes to fill, but this also makes her an inspiration. There are parishioners, who have told me how much they are looking forward to hearing what I have to say, and my family will be there; so I’ve been feeling the pressure. I had a dream one night that I got to church and had forgotten my sermon, so the rector had to preach at the 8 o’clock service while I desperately tried to come up with something for the 10:15.

As a result of this stress, I’ve been taking a lot of time to just sit in silence and pray. I’ve derived a great deal of comfort from doing so. At the same time I’m excited. I’ve preached before, but never on the Gospel. It has been a different experience writing this sermon. It’s taken some discipline to sit and be in the moment with the Gospel, and then to organize my thoughts and what I wish to convey. I’m excited and a little nervous to get feedback from the rector and the parishioners. When I preached before I was in high school and I don’t think I got any real feedback. I just have to remember to turn at least once and look at the choir.

Internship Week of October 16th

I sat in on the Children’s Chapel this Sunday. It is really wonderful. The rector gathers them all before the service starts and speaks to them briefly, then they process with their own cross downstairs. They gather and discuss a Bible story then do an activity relating to the story. Then they go back upstairs at the Offertory and help bring the food bank donations down for blessing. It is a great way to occupy the children during the “boring” parts of the service, but still keep them engaged in a spiritual way.

I went with the Rector to take communion to a Retirement Community Thursday. It was a very different experience for me. I enjoyed it immensely and would like to go again next month. There were only a few “participants” but they seemed enthusiastic and really appreciative of what we were doing.

The rector and I met again this week. We talked about how I’m feeling and what I’m experiencing. The rector wanted to make sure I was getting to do a little of everything, and to give feedback on my participation. It was all very positive and I feel like I am moving in the right direction.

Just before we were scheduled to meet something interesting happened, and I thought I would share it here. While waiting for the rector to be available for our meeting a homeless man came to the office door. He asked the secretary if there was a priest he could see, and after checking with the rector she asked him to wait. the rector came out and invited him into hir office, and while they had a private conversation many things came to mind. How often does this happen here? How does the rector handle the situation? How would I handle the situation? All I could think about was the passage where Christ tells us “when you helped the least of these you helped me.” Society tends to shun and turn a blind eye to those who are among the poor in our own neighborhoods. Christ’s ministry and teaching were the opposite; He asked that we embrace the poor, and the hungry, and the sick as members of the Body of Christ.

I shared my thoughts with the rector, and was told that it happens more often then most people realize. This brought up the question of where do you draw the line? How do you know if you are actually helping someone or feeding an addiction of some kind (drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc.)? We agreed that you can’t ever really know for sure, and sometimes that doesn’t matter. What matters is remembering to “seek and serve Christ in all persons” regardless of their income.

Internship Week of October 9th

I attended Adult Forum again on Sunday morning. It was the first of a monthly discussion of Mitch Albom’s “Have a Little Faith.” We began by discussing spiritual journeys, which spoke to me quite a lot. I volunteered to share mine, and it felt really great to be able to contribute so much to the discussion. It was also enriching to hear the snippets of others’ stories; I realized how much we share, but at the same time how differing the stories can be. If you haven't already read it I highly recommend it.

I attended the Stephen’s Ministry meeting again on Tuesday. I’ve really enjoyed learning about the lay side of pastoral care. The people who are a part of this ministry are extraordinary individuals. They have been very welcoming of me, and encourage my opinions when I feel they are appropriate. I will be going with the rector to take communion to a Retirement Community next week; something I’m very excited about.

I met with my spiritual advisor this week. She and I discussed how it feels going from the process I was in to the one I’m in now, and how I feel my internship is going. I’m really optimistic about the experiences I’ve been having at my internship; the congregants have been supportive and welcoming.

Internship Week of October 2nd

I attended Adult Forum again on Sunday morning. It was more crowded than last Sunday and the discussion was very stimulating. There will be a monthly discussion of Mitch Albom’s “Have a Little Faith” starting next Sunday, so I spent a few days reading it this week. I found it really spoke to me in a lot of ways, and look forward to discussing it with the other participants. It will be lead by a parishioner instead of Rev. Ann, and I look forward to seeing how that leadership role, plays out.

I served at the 10:15 service. I was given the Archdeacon’s seat next to the rector. I the rector at the table for the Eucharist, and served wine at the High Altar. This was a little different for me, and I really enjoyed it. I made a few mistakes, but seemingly no one in the congregation noticed, as I received nothing but positive feedback.

The rector and I met for a time, and discussed many things. Mostly we talked about my involvement, and pastoral care. It was an eye opening discussion about how she, as the sole non-retired-staffed priest of the parish, handles her pastoral care duties. The rector spoke a lot about the importance of prioritizing everything, and about having support from parishioners.

I attended a jazz concert at the church. It was an event open to the public, and half of the people who attended were congregants and half were not. It was interesting to see how welcoming the congregants were to the members of the community, and how much everyone got out of the experience.

Internship Week of September 25th

So I've been at my internship parish for over about two weeks now, and here is my experience from last week.


I attended Adult Forum for the first time on Sunday morning following the 8am service. It was an extremely enjoyable experience. We were discussing the history of the church as a whole, its part of a four-week series that concludes next Sunday. Everyone was very welcoming to me, and it was fascinating to watch the dynamics play out between the rector and the parishioners who were in attendance. It was a fairly decent sized crowd of about 15 or so, and everyone had a great time discussing what the rector was teaching us.
I also attended the bi-monthly meeting of the Stephen’s ministers on Tuesday evening. I was most looking forward to this, as it was my first foray into the world of pastoral care. They explained things as we went along if I didn’t understand what was happening, and encouraged my participation. I really learned a lot from the meeting. These men and women dedicate time every week to go and visit with their care receivers and they get so much back in return. I think the Stephen’s Ministry is a really neat concept. The process they have for meeting and confidentially discussing their care receivers in a way that doesn’t violate confidentiality but allows them to get feedback and advice is fantastic. They are doing such important work, I really admire them all and can’t wait to learn more about pastoral care.

My Goodbye

As the summer draws to a close I look forward to starting my internship and and thereby beginning the next phase in my discernment process. I am saddened to be leaving my home parish, but I am excited to see what new experiences I will have while I am away. Below is the letter my Rector recommended I write to my home parish explaining where I am going and what I will be doing while I'm gone. I have blacked out names of the churches in order to preserve privacy.

To My Wonderful Home Parish,

            First, I would like to say thank-you. Thank-you for opening your hearts and your doors to my family and to me. Your love and support have been invaluable to me during this time of growth and discovery. I am sorry to have to leave you all for the next four months, know that you will all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

            I would like to take this opportunity to explain my absence. As a part of my ongoing discernment of my call to priesthood, I am in a program that necessitates me having an internship at a parish not of my choosing. I will spend every Sunday morning and a few hours each week at St. John’s in Hagerstown. I will preach one Sunday in October, participate fully in worship on Sunday mornings, work with the Altar Guild and Stephen Ministry, bring communion to those who are unable to come to services, and various other ministerial activities. While there I am not permitted to remain involved ministerially at St. James’, which unfortunately means that I will not be teaching Sunday School and I will be unable to lead the Youth Group. It is a necessary separation that will allow me to become fully immersed in my internship setting, and gain the most from my time there.

            It is my hope that during my time at St. John’s I can explore the areas of the church with which I am less familiar. I pray that this exploration will further reveal what it is that God is calling me to do with the gifts He’s given to me. I ask for your continued prayers and support during this time away, and look forward to sharing my experiences with you when I return.

E.Y.E. Day 6/7

Since I wasn't sure how much sleep I would be getting on the way home (since I assumed I would be in the van again I also assumed not really any) I decided to forgo getting up early and eating breakfast to sleep in until 8am. I had brought along some snack/breakfast bars so I had one of those, finished my packing, turned in my keys, helped do final checks of our rooms, and then lugged my baggage back down to meet the buses.

As the adults gathered to figure out the game plan-thanks to my wondering what time the Mall of America opened on Sundays, we had learned that going there before going to Chicago wasn't an option-I learned that the van I thought I was going to be on had already left. So that meant that I was spending the entire trip home on the bus, which would only prove better than the van ride if two things happened a) I got to sit alone and b) I got more than an hour's worth of sleep.

We ended up leaving Bethel University around 10am and didn't stop until we had lunch at a Hardee's in Wisconsin. We arrived in Chicago around 6:30pm where we headed to the courtyard of the Cathedral of St. James' to have a brief Eucharist together as the whole of Province III (mostly) before we separated to get dinner. I went with a small group and we found a Qdoba to eat dinner at then a few of us wandered around until it was time to return to the courtyard to say good-bye to one of the buses before heading off around 9pm. I did try some deep dish pizza, it was different.

We stopped briefly in Indiana twice once to change drivers in Portage and once at a rest stop around 12am. I did manage to get a bit of sleep from about 2 to 5am. We stopped in Pittsburgh around 6:30am where we had breakfast, said goodbye to the other bus and the participants from the Pittsburgh area, then found a Starbucks before heading for the turnpike. Turned out there was a fatal crash on the turnpike so it was closed. We were forced to take a different route home that included a stop in Cumberland, MD, where the nice people at Emmanuel fed us some lunch around 11:45am. We left for Ellicott City at 1pm and made it there by 2:30pm where the Diocese of MD disembarked and said goodbye to the Diocese of Easton.

All in all it was an amazing experience yet again. I maybe would have changed a few things about E.Y.E. itself but I wouldn't change what I did and how I felt. I got goosebumps more times than I could count and I was constantly in awe of the way God was working in all the people around me all at once and at various times. In addition to all that there was a sense of rightness, of my being exactly where I was supposed to be at all times while I was there. A sense that I was doing what God wanted me to be doing, and a hope that blossomed that I am continuing to move down the right path with my life. I guess only time and God will tell if I was imagining things or not. I certainly hope not.

E.Y.E. Day 5

For the last full day of E.Y.E. I woke up at 6:45am headed to breakfast and then since I enjoyed it so much headed for the labyrinth. This time I got to walk it completely alone, so I decided to play some music (Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo was all I had that fit). It was just as calming as the day before, in fact I realized that I had it wrong yesterday. The wobbles that I mistook for obstacles are not really obstacles; rather each time I wobble I step from the path ever so slightly to regain my balance, so its like each time I come across an obstacle on my journey I step off the path slightly looking for a way to regain balance and meaning of my experience. In reality I only ever really achieve balance and meaning from being on the path and moving forward towards my goal, no matter how disconcerting the journey might sometimes be.

We had another Keynote Speaker at 9am from Ecuador who spoke about short term mission. She talked about the need to let go of our Intellectual, Cultural, & Spiritual Prejudices before embarking on short term mission. She also spoke of the importance of giving and receiving as well as being prepared but being careful not to make it "all about me".

We again met with our small reflection groups until lunch and then we had free time until 1pm. We had an afternoon of workshops, but this time there was really only one workshop that interested me. At 1:15pm I attended the workshop titled "Prayer Through Art." It was a little disappointing, I think because there were soooo many people who went. The concept was really cool, we started off by listening to a story and then forming groups to create a collage to represent how we felt (I didn't care very much for this part) and then we worked individually to create works of art to express how we were feeling. We could finger paint, color, watercolor, or make things using a Salt Dough-recipe below.

I had signed up to chalice at the service being held today at the start of E.Y.E. but practice wasn't until 4:30pm; since there were no other workshops that interested me I headed to the Info Desk to see who was around. I ended up sitting at the Info Desk until the start of practice because the people who were sitting there when I got there kept having to leave to deal with things, and since I had spent a fair amount of time sitting there yesterday I just sort of sat down and answered the myriad of questions being asked.

Chalice practice was fairly straight forward. We were given the option of working with a Bishop we knew and since my Bishop had left this morning I decided to work with the Bishop of Easton whom I had gotten to know during our journey up in the van.

I wound up eating dinner at 5:30pm-practice ran over-outside with basically everyone else who was there (burgers and chips style dinner). Episcolympics started at 6:15pm and I headed over to support MD who was running the Cup event. The service was set to begin at 8:30pm but I headed over early so I could be sure I was in my special seat before the craziness started since there were two processions for that service (one came from the Habitat House the other came from the Episcolympics). The Bishop of Minnesota presided, we got to watch the footage of him blessing the Habitat House-yes he stood on the roof-and then the President of the House of Deputies gave a fascinating sermon about how we are all ministers in the Church.

My chalicing experience at E.Y.E. was by far the most exciting one yet. The Bishop and I were confused about where to go-don't ask-when we got there I had no "wine", they started communion and then rushed to find me someone who could give me "wine", I ran out of "wine" halfway through and had to wait for them to find an acolyte who could give me more, all in all we were the last station serving communion ergo the last pair to return to the stage (something I try not to think about too hard).

We had Ben & Jerry's after the service and then tried to get 700+ kids calm enough to sleep-almost wanted to kill whoever thought to give the already wound up teenagers more sugar and then telling them to go to bed. We finally succeeded and I packed a little before crashing.

Salt Dough
2 Cups Flour
1 Cup Salt
~1 Cup Colored Water

E.Y.E. Day 4

I woke up at 6:30am again for breakfast at 7:15am. I made one significant change that I should have made yesterday; I went and walked the labyrinth laying in the chapel. As you may have noticed from previous blog posts I have a bit of a thing for labyrinths, and the one in the chapel at E.Y.E. was no exception. As I walked the labyrinth at 7:45 in the morning (the earliest I've ever walked one) I began to think about how my journey to priesthood has been a lot like a walk on a labyrinth. Each obstacle I encounter is like each wobble I have while walking the labyrinth-note that I have poor balance so I wobble quite a bit-and yet I keep moving forward toward the center/goal. As I was walking I really was wishing I had remembered to bring my prayer beads with me. I also had an idea that there should be a taizé type service that involves using a labyrinth to receive communion-I don't know if this is something that is done somewhere and I just don't know about it or if perhaps I've lost my mind a smidgen. As I was concluding my walk I decided that if it was ever in my power to do so I would love to be able to start each morning with a walk on a labyrinth. I was not alone in the chapel on my journey. Although no one else was walking with me there were a few people sitting at a table in the corner silently coloring; as I was preparing to leave one of them came over to me and handed me a colored paper. He quietly informed me that he had colored it as I walked and he thought I might like to have it-I was touched.

We had another guest speaker at 9am. This is what he had to say to us. As you can see if you watch it, he was amazing and hilarious. He spoke mostly about how the youth are prophets and visionaries of the church, and the impact that young people can have if they are willing to take the risk. Here is the video of the virtual choir he shows briefly-it is beautiful and I am in love with this music now.

We met with small reflection groups after the speaker until it was time to go to lunch. We had about a third of the time as yesterday but I felt like we managed to discuss a lot. Lunch was at 11:15am and then we had free time until workshop 1 at 1:15pm. The workshop I was originally going to attend got changed to a later time so I had to find another one to attend, and I decided to attend the one the keynote speaker was hosting. We had a deep conversation about the changing world of religion, the fact that more & more people are claiming to have no religion at all, and how young people don't know what it means to be an Episcopalian. I then went to my Bishop's workshop about centering prayer. It was very fascinating because he used the story of Mary and Martha to talk about how much we need time to pray in our lives. Sometimes we are Martha and ergo are constantly working or looking for someone to blame that work isn't being done. Other times we are Mary when we find ourselves sitting at Christ's feet and just listening for what He has to say.

I volunteered at the Information Desk from 4:30-8pm where I mostly did a lot of Participation Bingo card punching and chatted with the very nice man left in charge. At 8:30pm I went in and listened to my Bishop lead a powerful Prayer Service, where he talked about tearing down walls that we don't know how to and how only Jesus can tear them down sometimes. It was very moving and in the end he had the whole theater on its feet.

Following that we had cookies/brownies and then it was time for lights out, showers, and sleep. The photos are (left) the labyrinth I walked and (below) the coloring I was given.

E.Y.E. Day 3

Since I took a shower when we got in and almost no other adults did, rather than fight to shower between 5:30 and 6:30am, I slept until 6:30am. Breakfast was at 7:15am followed by the opening worship service at 9am. The Presiding Bishop led the worship service including a beautiful sermon about ways to remember the world at large. (Presiding Bishop's Sermon at E.Y.E.)

Following the service we had lunch and free time until it was time to meet with our small groups at 1:15pm. Small groups went fast so I was back in the dorm earlier than anticipated. I wanted to shower at 4pm so I couldn't go to an afternoon workshop, but it was only 2:30pm so I decided to relax a little and color until I could shower.

After showering and changing clothes I had enough time to leisurely make my way to dinner. At dinner I found out that the Bishop for my diocese had shown up. I decided not to mob him at dinner-there was practically a line. After dinner I was sitting at a table near the dining hall writing down my experiences, when he came down and sat with me. He wanted to know how I was handling the decision from the COM and was pleased that I am sticking with it. I told him about how 3 different people told me almost verbatim the same things about sticking with my process, and how after the third phone call I said "Ok God I get what you are trying to tell me." To which he responded by saying two things "God bless you," and "we all end up where we are supposed to be."

So following dinner we were all given the opportunity to attend a Mission Possible Workshop of our choice, and I chose to attend the Prayer Jars Workshop. I showed up about half an hour early because I wanted to be sure I could have a seat. Once everyone got settled, the workshop leader started by telling us part of the story from the book "Christmas Jars" by Jason Wright. She went on to tell us about how "we don't build community, we build an environment where the Holy Spirit builds community;" in addition she said that "everything you do is a living prayer." We were given jars and told to decorate them and spend from now until Christmas Eve filling them with our change to give to someone anonymously.

There was a Keynote Speaker at 8:30pm from Episcopal Relief Development who talked about how to get youth involved. He tossed around the idea that we don't do mission rather God does mission through us. After the speaker we had chips and dip before bedtime. I returned to the dorm to learn that chaperones are now also permitted to shower after 11pm.

E.Y.E. Day 1/2

I spent the days leading up to our departure for E.Y.E. 2011 explaining to friends and family members where I was going and why. It was funny to me how many people told me not to worry, that I would have fun, and that they would pray for me. I'm not sure why it was funny per-ce, just knew that it was.

I arrived in Ellicott City, MD to catch the bus at 11:30am yesterday. We left a little after Noon and drove to Hermitage, PA. We arrived there shortly after 5pm an hour early, and waited for the other two buses. The plan was for all of Province III to meet in Hermitage and drive together to E.Y.E. Bus number 2 was on time-ish arriving shortly after 6pm, and bus 3 was very late arriving around 7:30pm.

We ate dinner in shifts, waited on the buses to refuel and get new drivers, sorted out who was riding where (the people from Pittsburgh and North Western PA met us at the church in Hermitage along with a 15 passenger van missing the back seat-it was determined that we would have chaperones only in the van and let the kids ride on the buses), and finally departed shortly after 9pm.

From Hermitage we drove up into Ohio where we stopped briefly after midnight, and then to Portage, Indiana to switch drivers at a hotel after 3:30am. We passed through downtown Chicago a little after 5am, which is when the van lost the buses. Turned out it was ok as we had to make a bathroom/gas stop just inside of Wisconsin around 6am.

Just outside of Madison we stopped and had breakfast; at which point our van caught up with the buses again. We arrived at the Mall of America between 11:30am and Noon. We were given until 3pm to wander the mall and eat lunch; I still didn't see all of it.

We made it across the river to Bethel University by 3:35pm and after some brief confusion managed to check in, go to our dorm, hear the welcome speech, and find our rooms by 4:30pm. We were all eagerly anticipating taking a shower before dinner only to learn that dinner was at 5pm and adults could only shower from 5:30-6:30am or 4-5pm. I was determined to make it so I quickly yanked what I needed out of my suitcase, dashing into the bathroom, and took the fastest shower possible.

Since I gave up on sleep after barely managing to get an hour's worth between 10:30 and 11:30pm I headed to dinner with plans to take a nap between dinner and the 8pm Adult Leader Orientation. I managed an hour which helped me make it through the adult meeting and the dorm meeting before crashing for the night

I did manage to read an entire book between Midnight and breakfast on my Kindle though, so the van ride wasn't a complete wash-out.

Letter from Commission on Ministry

I know it has been awhile since I last posted, but I've spent the time working, reflecting, and processing. I finally received an electronic copy of the letter I was supposed to receive in hard copy a few weeks ago. I will paste it below for you all to read. It is not nearly as in depth as I had expected but that is the way things go sometimes. I am getting ready to head to Minnesota next week as a chaperone for the Diocese of Maryland Delegation to E.Y.E. '11. I'm pretty pumped to experience E.Y.E. from another point of view and see what sort of insights I develop. I want to try to write at least one blog post a day from my journey, but I don't know what the internet situation will be so if nothing else I will back post all the entries when I return to Maryland. And now without further ado I give the letter:

May 18, 2011

Dear Kassia,

Thank you so much for your openness and eagerness to discern how God is calling you to use your gifts and experiences to serve God’s people.  We especially thank you for doing so in the unique younger vocations process designed for 2011.  This letter, including the recommendation, is a follow-up to our earlier phone conversation following the April interviews.

At this time the COM could not affirm that seminary in the fall of 2011 was the most appropriate next step in your discernment.  We do affirm, however, your continued discernment regarding ministry in general and ordained ministry in particular.  We recommend that your next steps of discernment would include the Diocese of Maryland’s Discerning Ordained Vocation (DOV) program, through which you would meet monthly with a cohort of other aspirants and experience an internship in a parish other than St. James.  You may submit an application for this program, downloadable from the Diocesan website, to Dawn Kline at the Diocesan Center.

The following is the recommendation from the COM from your interview report:  We believe Kassia is not yet ready to test her vocation by going to seminary.  She needs experiences in the wider church and experience of the wider needs the church addresses.  We recommend that she enter the regular DOV program in the Fall 2011 intake, and continue exploring her vocation.  Within the DOV program, we recommend that her internship be in a faith community very different from those she has been part of in recent years.  If she can fit in an additional volunteer experience on top of work and the DOV internship, so much the better:  the aim is for her to experience a variety of worshiping communities and a variety of social ministries, before returning for another interview in the spring of 2012.     

I believe engaging this diocesan program would be a fruitful time of discernment for you within the larger church, and would give you an opportunity to engage in ministry alongside people of more diverse ages and experiences.

Blessings,

COM Chair

A Poem

Approximately 7 years ago I was at a lock-in and I wrote a poem I would like to share with you. For me it is the foundation of my faith and represents what Good Friday means to me. It is titled "My Love"

I cry
Because I understand
I understand
That I sinned
I understand
That I killed you
I understand
That you love me
Your love
Will one day save me
One day I will know
I will see your face
I will stand beside you
One day
I will show you
My love is in my tears

My Discernment

I wanted you to hear it from me first. After meeting with the COM Saturday I have been informed that they don't think I am ready for seminary this fall. They want me to begin the DOV program in August, leading to me applying for postulancy and seminary in fall 2012. I will post more details as they come to me, and I thank you for your continued support and prayers. I'm in a very confused and disappointed place right now, but I'm praying that it will all make sense soon.

Meetings and Conversations

This morning I woke up at 6:45 am. Why, you ask, was I awake so early on a Saturday that I didn’t have to work? I had to be in Baltimore by 9:00 am, to meet with members of the Commission on Ministry (COM) and the Bishop. I was the first of the aspirants to arrive, but the other three joined me shortly followed by the members of the COM.

We headed downstairs to start the morning with a Morning Prayer service and then we received our schedules for the morning/mid-day. I glanced at my copy to see where I would be first and inwardly gasped. I was to be the first of the group to meet with the Bishop. Our Bishop is a man that I greatly admire and strongly believe is one of the greatest leaders our Diocese has seen in years. I have chatted with him once before and found him to be attentive and open and honest, so naturally I was a moderate amount terrified at being the first person he spoke with this morning. However, as we were leaving the nave of the Cathedral I found my glance drawn to the simple cross hanging over the altar. I looked at that cross and a sense of calm overcame me as I prayed that God would grant me the strength of Moses and David.

The Bishop took me upstairs and after taking a moment to get set up he led me into his office. I sat on the couch and we began with a moment of silence followed by a prayer, and an unbelievably meaningful conversation. He shared a few things with me that I will share with you as well.

The first and most striking is a concept I find inexpressibly fascinating, though we didn’t discuss it for terribly long. God doesn’t control everything. It’s not a matter of Him not being able to but rather He chooses not to. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be if you were the one holding the puppet strings to every living thing on the planet? It would be unbelievably tiresome and time consuming. Instead the Bishop shared with me that he believes God allows life to take its course, knowing that we can work most things out on our own. However, he believes that God makes things happen. When something tragic happens in the world, when we are met with an obstacle that knocks us so far down we can’t see the sky, God steps in and says lets pick you up and put you back on your feet. It must have been one of the most profoundly brief discussions I’ve ever had in my entire life.

We talked of course about me and my experiences and what I saw happening with my life, which I expected. He shared his excitement for the process and his concerns about financing that my discernment committee and I had expressed. He was seemingly impressed with my grounded expectations and willingness to consider lay ministry if ordained ministry doesn’t pan out. However, he truly wants to see that the diocese is ordaining young people because at some point we will need people with 25-30+ years of experience to lead the Church. All in all it was a pleasant and positive conversation that I truly enjoyed.

I between having us meet with the Bishop and a group of COM members we spent time in pairs chatting with an individual member of the COM. It was a more informal conversation where we chatted about everything from Magic Meatballs, to Seminary experiences, from French films, to which language to take Greek or Hebrew. The two ladies I chatted with, after talking with the Bishop and before meeting with the COM, were so nice, and really wanted to answer any and all questions we might have. It was a lot of fun.

I was the last person to meet with the members of the COM and it was a little bit nerve wracking. After I talked a bit about who I was and how I had come to be there, it went something like this: someone asked me a question, I answered, long pause, someone else asked me a question, I answered, long pause, etc. for about 40 minutes. It was different from my meeting with the Bishop in that it felt more like an interview while the Bishop meeting felt more like a discussion/conversation. That was probably the point but I must say I preferred the one to the other.

After I finished with the COM members we concluded the day with a Mid-Day Prayer service and the aspirants were allowed to leave while the COM members stayed to discuss all that had transpired on behalf of the full COM. We were told to expect a phone call sometime this weekend or early this week to let us know where we stand; which is good because there was some speculation that we might have to wait two weeks until the full COM met!

It was a long morning but I was grateful I had my discernment rock! I found it to be particularly comforting while meeting with the members of the COM. I plan to lay it at the foot of the cross one day this week at Church. I do ask for your prayers this weekend/week as I await word from the COM.

My Discernment Rock

At the start of Lent the Rector of our church put out a basket of stones in the Narthex and encouraged us to take one and carry it around with us during Lent-the idea being that on Good Friday you come and lay your stone at the foot of the cross. I didn't think too much of it at the time, and so I didn't get a stone or think about the stones until last Sunday. See where I'm going with this don't you?

I arrived early for my first discernment committee meeting and since no one else was there I was sort of meandering about in the Narthex waiting for others to arrive. I came across the basket of stones and looking through them pulled out one that fit into the palm of my hand but not quite comfortably since its sort of triangular in shape. I hadn't planned on keeping it, put I never got around to putting it back.

All through the meeting I clung to that stone. I didn't really think terribly much about it per se it just was there and I like to think it was absorbing all of my worries and fears and thoughts and prayers. I got into the car to head home and realized that I still had the stone in my hand. And so it became my Lenten rock.

This morning I was going to bring it with me to church, but I decided to bring my new Prayer Beads instead so I could get them blessed. And in that moment of deciding not to bring my rock with me, it became my discernment rock. I have decided that I will bring it with me to every meeting, gathering, service, grouping, etc I attend concerning my discernment. And then either on Good Friday or Holy Saturday before the service, I will take my discernment rock filled with all of my discernment worries, fears, hopes, prayers, concerns, and feelings and I will lay it down before the cross. I will in a way lay my discernment at Christ's feet. I pray He will bring it to God on my behalf.

But Rosaries Are Catholic...

I have always been curious about the history of the rosary (why are Catholics so attached to them? and why are Catholics the only ones who use them?) but it wasn't until I stumbled across a brief discussion on them in a book I'm reading-My Faith, My Life: A Teen's Guide to the Episcopal Church-that I really learned anything about them. Turns out there is a vast and diverse history behind the rosary, which is also referred to as Prayer Beads.

Prayer Beads can trace their history to Hinduism where they are called Mala and consist of 108 beads used to count prayers. From Hinduism the practice transferred over to Buddhism, where they have a variety of names depending on the culture but generally keep to the 108 beads used by Hindus. Naturally, the practice caught on in Islam, where they are called Misbaha and contain either 99 beads to be cycled through once or 33 beads to be cycled through thrice. Finally Prayer Beads found their way into Christianity.

In the Sixteenth Century, Pope Pius V pronounced that what we know as the Catholic Rosary is credited to Saint Dominic who also founded the Dominican Order. The Catholic Rosary consists of either 5 or 15 decades meaning the beads are grouped in tens with a bead in between each grouping. They are used by saying a Hail Mary Prayer for each of the ten beads and an Our Father prayer is said for each of the beads in between groupings while simultaneously meditating on one of the 20 mysteries. For further clarification check out Wikipedia.

In the mid-1980s Anglicans decided they wanted to join in on the fun. Thus Anglican Prayer Beads were born. They consist of 33 beads and are organized as follows: After the cross is a larger bead called the Invitatory Bead, which is followed by the first of four Cruciform Beads, which is followed by 7 Week Beads, another Cruciform Bead, 7 Week Beads, Cruciform Bead, 7 Week Beads, final Cruciform Bead, and the final 7 Week Beads. There is no right or wrong way to pray using Anglican Prayer Beads which allowed for them to be adopted by many other religious sects including Lutherans, Baptists, Methodists, and others.

After learning all of this I decided I wanted to try creating my own Anglican Rosary, something that would be uniquely mine that I could use for prayer in my own way. So I went to a bead store; then left the expensive bizarre bead store and went to Joann's. I found all of the materials I needed for $10! I went home and a little more than an hour later I had my own Anglican Rosary. I will keep you posted on whether or not it is beneficial to me or not, but in the mean time here is a photo.

Discernment Committee

I had my first official meeting with my discernment committee last night. It was an eye opener in some ways. They asked a lot of questions and I sort of rambled on about my life and my experiences and where I see myself going. To be honest I didn't know what to expect of the people who were on the committee, but I sort of knew what was going to be expected of them.....which I know doesn't really make very much sense. Mostly its that I knew what was going to happen but I didn't know how it was going to play out. They ask me a wide variety of open ended questions and I just sort of sit there and yammer on trying to answer as best I can. I call them my sounding board, because at times its like they are an extension of me really. They asked me questions that other people have asked me before of course, but they also asked me questions and got me to talk about the things that I've been avoiding asking myself. Not wanting to break the confidentiality I won't go into details but, they got me to think about what is driving my desire to attend VTS in the Fall, and what is behind my interest in becoming a priest specifically rather than just working in Christian Formation. I did cry but that could have been for a number of reasons - the biggest one being that I was running on about 10 hours of sleep since I had just gotten home yesterday afternoon from the Senior High Nightwatch Weekend in New York City - but it was also because I was forced to address some of the fears I have about becoming a priest. I think there is a very good reason why I have such a connection with the story of Moses. During this process in conversations I have had with God I find myself thinking some of the things that Moses did when he was faced with the burning bush. Am I really the right person for the job? Can I do what God wants me to do? Logically I know that God would never ask me to do anything I couldn't do on my own or with His help/guidance, but darn it if it isn't scary as all hell! We are meeting again next Sunday to continue the conversation, and this time I hope to have a few extra hours of sleep under my belt.

The Catechumenate

When I first received the e-mail from VTS informing me that they were offering a “class” specifically for visitors to sit in on, I got very excited. Then I saw the title. Then I went on Wikipedia, because I did not for the life of me know what the Catechumenate was (or for that matter how to pronounce it)! Maybe that makes me a poor excuse for a Christian, I like to think it makes me no more educated about the technical terms that most. According to the syllabus we received “understood well, the catechumenate prepares people for baptism and baptismal living while providing an opportunity for the renewal of congregational mission.” To me this means that every Episcopalian should at some point in their Christian Formation Education learn about the catechumenate. Seeing as I know nothing, the “class” I had was a real eye-opener.

First we took a quiz designed to show us the roles that clubs and communities play in our lives. It consisted of basic yes and no questions revolving around life experiences. “Do you remember your baptism?” “Were you ever initiated into a sorority or fraternity?” “Did you have a secret handshake or club with friends as a child?” “Have you ever had to make a decision about circumcision?” “Were you raised in the Episcopal Church?” There were 15 questions asked and then we proceeded to discuss some of them based on how others answered. The catechumenate is a sort of community/club/secret handshake that only Christians know about. There are rights of initiation and it is a lifelong process.

As we discussed these various experiences we reflected on many of the timeless debates that occur within the Episcopal Church. I found these to be even more fascinating, because these debates have existed for centuries and we still have not come to find the “right answer.” Should we look at baptism and communion as going “through the table to the font?” or as coming “to the table through the font?” Is communion therefore exclusive or expulsive? The example given was that by only allowing baptized Christians to receive communion that makes it exclusive, versus when Jesus was baptized he was immediately expelled into the wilderness for 40 days of solitude.

I thought it was important to note that Catholic rights have transformed Episcopal thinking. Much of what we have decided to do was done because we disagreed with or were opposed to what the Catholics were doing at the time. The importance of baptism, the issue of re-baptism and confirmation, the Hierarchy of the Church, and Original Sin; just to name a few examples. We also discussed the Four Part Process of Catechesis, which really to me is only 3 parts but that’s neither here nor there. The first three parts consist of two basic principles: Entrance into the Catechumenal Process, and Teachings & Rights of Initiation. The fourth step is the Mystagogical Catechesis; which is basically referring to the fact that since the catechesis is a lifelong process the Mystagogical portion of that process is everything following initiation-what it means to be a member of the baptismal community.

Virginia Theological Seminary: A Weekend

 

  Friday morning I got up and my parents drove me to Virginia Theological Seminary (VTS) in Alexandria, Virginia. There I spent the weekend living on the campus and learning what it meant to be a student at VTS.

  I arrived around 2 in the afternoon, and I couldn't put my luggage in my room because room check-in isn't until 3, so I sort of hung out in the Welcome Center until it was time for the class at 3:15. It was a demo class of sorts that was taught by two professors on campus and was intended to introduce us to classroom life at VTS. It was immensely fascinating and I truly enjoyed the professors'.
  
  After class, we were divided into two groups and taken on a tour of the campus. We toured the dormitories, saw two rooms, got a sneak peek at the refectory, learned about the history of some of the buildings, saw the Center for the Ministry of Teaching, saw civil war graffiti, skirted the construction, mourned the loss of the Chapel, and then headed over to Episcopal High School (EHS) for a worship service. EHS is kind enough to share their worship space with VTS from time to time due to the fire in the Chapel at VTS on October 22, 2010. It is a beautiful campus and they grant VTS students access to the gym facilities-many years ago VTS donated land to EHS and the two schools still maintain a good relationship.

  After church I managed to meet up with my sponsor for the weekend and we went to retrieve my bags from the Welcome Center and take them over to my room in Wilmer Hall. I then discovered that I had a roommate for the weekend (which is no big deal, it was mostly surprising, however all on campus housing is single rooms). After dropping my stuff off my roommate and I headed over to the refectory for mingling before dinner. Dinner was delicious, and I sat with people I didn't know and learned about some of the different processes others are experiencing.

  After dinner there was a sing-a-long, followed by wandering outside to find the party on the patio. They had a fire going and were tossing some bean-bags around. I chatted with some people, including a friend of mine from E.Y.E. who was visiting for the weekend as well. Turned out he was staying with another friend of ours from E.Y.E. so I got to catch up with her a little and meet her husband who is a student at VTS. (It was their apartment I went to for dinner Saturday)

  I eventually headed back to my room and called it a night. I awoke around 7 that morning got dressed and headed to breakfast. I listened to more stories about people's experiences over chipped beef and biscuits, followed by a morning prayer service. I proceeded to spend the rest of the morning trying to escape the rising sun. (The room we were in had a wall of windows and as the sun rose we kept moving backwards to avoid sitting in the heat of it.)

  We heard from the Dean of VTS (really neat guy from England-nationalized last year) and introduced ourselves. There was a brief history of the school, a discussion of how academics work, and a few other things that I don't remember because I spent most of Saturday morning "being talked at." After a short break we heard a presentation on the Financial Aid that VTS offers its students-substantial to say the least-and then we were introduced to 18 of the 22 full time faculty members.

  Following lunch I took a tour of the Bishop Payne Library including a peek into their Rare Books Room. We saw a first edition King James Bible from 1611, an ancient book of psalms, a Confederate States of America Book of Common Prayer, a very small version of the King James Bible from the 17th or 18th century, a Pre-Revolutionary War BCP, and two Assyrian Reliefs dating back to 860 BC. After the tour most of the participants had admissions interviews or sat in on panels. I chose to have some quiet reflective time. I took a shower and then found the "prayer room" in the Addison Building, for a chance to process the events thus far.

  At 5:30 I met up with my sponsor and another VTS student who took us over to the "off-campus" apartments for dinner. There was good food, wine, and really great conversations. After dinner we headed back to campus and the students hosted a Variety Show for us. It was very entertaining and really illustrated the diversity of the students currently at VTS. I packed up most of my belongings and then crashed for the night. Then this morning I met up with some people and we headed into DC and attended morning service at the Washington National Cathedral.

  Overall, my experience at VTS was far superior to what I could have ever hoped for. The students, faculty, and staff went out of their way to ensure that we had a memorable and beneficial experience. So much of what I heard this weekend mirrored my own feelings and experiences that I was in awe. The people I met and had conversations with were people that I would hope to have in my life shaping my seminary education. The faculty was inspirational & motivational, and the sense of community was deeply ingrained. I think I might be done looking for a place to go.

The photos included are (from top to bottom): The chapel that burned in October; The Center for the Ministry of Teaching-which reminded me of the bookstore in Beauty & the Beast; A Pre-Revolutionary War Book of Common Prayer-the handwritten portion is pasted over a prayer for the King of England.

Nightwatch

Almost six years ago was the first time I went to New York City. I was 18, a senior in high school, and excited to be with my diocesan youth friends going on a weekend adventure in the Big Apple. We went up Friday night and spent the night in St. John the Divine Cathedral. At the time they were still renovating from the fire they had in 2001, so there was some scaffolding and the organ was missing. Being young and surrounded by friends I didn't pay very much attention to all that was said and done. I remember bits and pieces about my night in the 601 ft. long mammoth Cathedral; it was gorgeous albeit drafty, monstrous in size, and I remember the meditation I had. I remember actually go off on my own in a corner of the drafty dark building with not but a candle and sitting and praying.

Six years later I returned with five middle schoolers from the parish I attend and 40+ other adults and middle schoolers from the diocese of Maryland. I ran into two friends of mine that I had seen since I was in high school, that I met doing diocesan things; and I met some new people. The trip was shorter overall this time due to the age of youth, but the time spent in the Cathedral was the same. There was no scaffolding this time, and the sheer emptiness of this great building was overwhelming once again. Best of all the organ was back.

Not many people know this about me but I have a secret love and passion for organs and organ music. The variation and exuberance that can come from these great instruments is magical for me. The organ at St. John the Divine is by far my favorite. The pipes are beautiful, and installed in such a way that you can hear what's being played from end to end. Sitting in the choir seats below where most of the pipes are housed, you can feel the music being played in the ground beneath your feet. I could have sat and listened to that magnificent instrument all night long. But I digress.

One big thing that didn't change for me was the candlelight meditation before the midnight Eucharist. We all gathered and lit our candles, someone said a prayer and we moved off on our own. I gravitated to the left side of the Cathedral towards the back where there is an alcove dedicated to poetry. I sat on the innermost steps, braced my candle so I wouldn't blow it out and relaxed. Most of the people congregated at the front of the building, so I was mostly on my own.

And there I sat in this building that outsized me in ways you can't fathom, and I listened to the rhythm of my breathing as it slowed; and I had a conversation with God. Not a hey how's it going my family is good sort of conversation, more of a prayerful frustration. As I look to move forward with my journey I find myself distracted by things I wish I didn't have to worry about. Where can I find work? Should I take a job for two months and then leave come March for my fall back position? Should I wait and just continue to collect unemployment? What if I don't get that job that I applied for? What if I can't get the time off that I need to meet with people and move forward in the process? What if I can't get time off to do things with my youth group kids? What will happen to my youth group kids if I go to seminary in the fall? Where should I go to seminary in the fall? Should I wait until next year so I can spend more time with my youth group? Can I find someone to take over for me and keep things running? Is this really what I want to be doing? Wouldn't I be just as content with staying where I am and doing what I'm doing right now? What if I don't get in? What if they don't accept me as a postulant? What if I can't find a position?

So many questions I haven't found the answers to, but continue to look to God to help me stay on the right path. Tears came to my eyes as I sat listening for an answer, and then the music began to play calling everyone to the altar for the Eucharist. And as I walked from the back of the Cathedral to the front behind all those candles I saw a piece of the puzzle fall into place. Right then, at that very moment, I was in a magical place and it was exactly where I felt God wanted me to be. As much as we like to plan for the future and look forward, sometimes I find God reminding me that what's happening right now, at this very moment, is just as important as what will be happening tomorrow or two months from now.